Mumbling

Mumbling to myself, I said while petting Beck, "At least my dog loves me."

Dad overheard me, and replied, "Lots of people love you."

Somewhere deep down inside, a place I don't bother with anymore these days, I have the typical depressive mindset. Life is shit. I'm not loveable. I'm too fat. Look at me, I'm ugly. None would want me. 

And I thought I outgrew it.

Write It

"So, don’t let anyone tell you to stop writing. If you feel a story in your heart, write it — even if it’s just for you."
--First Page Last by Evelyn A. Lauer

Happiness

You see, writing doesn't make me happy.

I write because I know nothing else.

My Anxiety For Narcissism

"With my shirt rolled into a makeshift half-top, I stood on my tiptoes, looking at my profile in a full-length mirror and surveying my exposed stomach. By this point, such behavior was not unusual. I did it several times a day -- when I first woke up, before and after every meal, and as a last minute ritual before slipping into bed. In fact, I did this whenever I passed a reflective surface, glancing around to make sure no one misconstrued my anxiety for narcissism."

--A Tale Of Recovering Anorexic, Part Three, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/brittany-kelleher/tale-of-a-recovering-anorexic_b_5183992.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000046

 I thought I was the only one who did that, oopsy.

"Alone"

"I feel like I am going to be alone all my life, to live out my days in solitude. This was never my plan, actually, but it's how things have turned out. I'm an aging crazy cat lady and there will be no children in my future because I am too old, too medicated, and too disabled to have them.

I'm okay with not having kids. It's the not having a life partner that is making me lonely. I feel so cut off from people..."

--Suicidal No More, "Alone"

The Other Married Man, Part I

He describes his wife as "amazing."

I feel like I'm swimming through bullshit, and I could ask myself why I'm bothering to entertain any sort of contact with The Other Married Man.

 My curiosity and loneliness have taken the wheel. I can't remember the last time a man actually flirted with me.

So, I asked him, "Have you ever cheated on your wife?"

He says, "My ex-wife I did...I would never ever think of it with my now wife though."

Somehow I imagine him waking up in a hotel room next to a girl he picked up at a bar, surprised. Shocked. Wondering where she came from--

"I Don't Want Your Pity..."

"...But our idea of respectability is predicated on social and economic oppressions, to wit: being a sex worker is not respectable or morally acceptable. We assign a cultural significance to sex; it is for procreation and the preservation of the family unit. We are told it is for romance, it is special, cherished and not commodified, but meanwhile sex screams at us from every billboard and television channel. Sex can be used to sell everything except for sex itself. Sex work, then, is dirty, it is sleazy, it is something only truly desperate people do. The pity and subsequent marginalization of sex workers as people to be rescued, or damaged, goods is grossly offensive and contributes to the caricature of the street walker: it dismisses and erases the person behind the job, no more so than when we paint all fast food workers as high school dropouts. The desire to see people in work we would not choose for ourselves as victims is immature and reactionary, and it harms the people within those professions by creating a line between us and them."

--The HuffPost, "I Don't Want Your Pity: Sex Work and Labor Politics," http://www.huffingtonpost.com/belle-knox/sex-work-politics_b_5148528.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000046&ir=Women

Slight Step Above Masturbation

"I don't even care I fucked this chick and I don't know why I did beyond the base offer it was. A slight step above masturbation, but in terms of actual intimacy, that's what it was."

--Life in the Age of Byrony, entry: "Sometimes They Do Work For You"

No, Of Course Not

"You're not going out with married men, are you?"

--Dad while we were driving, checking out properties, one of which happened to be owned by the LSU Professor

Stay Safe

"You stay safe today, promise?"

--Mom over the phone, while at work

On Depression ONe Last Time

If we are depressed, we all have our own cages that we build and refuse to leave because we can no longer see the future.

The Past

I don't know why relationships end--I mean relationships in which two people are happy when they are together.

You see, I only remember being happy with Lucky--I have no memories of why we broke up--during that summer was one of the best periods of my life, granted, I was manic--but I was so--

Freely pleasant and pleased with how I was traveling down the road, the map of where I was going for life.

I have fought with Morpheus, but those memories are consumed by the happiness of being with him--they are ate in the belly of love--disintegrated into nothingness.

"Baby..." Part II

I bought a knife at Home Depot just for cutting my arms, but during my psychosis, during a rage, I threw it in the spare room, purposely in a corner so I wouldn't know where it was easily (to keep me from injuring myself on impulse).

We moved from the ranch to a little mobile home, and sometime during the move, the knife was lost.

"Baby, be a simple kind of man," --Shinedown, "Simple Man"

I have the strong urge to slice open my arms, but to be honest, all the knives we have in stock are too dull.

Ruins that idea.

More Tears

I got teary-eyed during a short TXT-message conversation with the Advisor, telling him, "I'm a little drunk but I wish you were ten years younger although I'm probably too liberal for your tastes...I'm really rather fond of you..."

He sent a quick, "Thank you."

Alcoholism, here I come.

I drink all of my calories.

Thank you.

Romance

 People who have extramarital affairs are the most hopeful people in the romantic realm because all others look down upon us, and because we are gambling with such risky odds with our hearts and souls--knowing that hell likely awaits us. 

The Truth to Yourself

"The most intimate connection in your life is the one you have with yourself. Dishonesty in this relationship is at best counterproductive, at worst catastrophic. If you want your life to work, tell yourself the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth..."

--by Martha Beck, "A Little Right Lie" in O Magazine, issue April 2014