Sick Enough

 The voices continue to tell me that I'm not ill enough to go into the hospital. They may have a point. There's a continuum in suicidality, and it's hard to figure out where I stand. You want to go into the hospital to get help before you swallow the pills, but you don't want to fuck around if you're like me, someone who thinks about suicide, all day long, week after week, month after month, year after year. 

When, then, do you know it's the right time to go into the hospital? It's more of a gut feeling, of when things start to get out of control. I'm having negative thoughts about my dog, about her dying, about her being killed. That's new. I feel a compulsion to act--that's new. Am I a danger to myself? The voices, the previous suicide attempts, the depression, all these things add up. The Advisor asked me why I wouldn't go into the hospital if I knew I needed help. Why not? I have a hard time asking that question as well. Which is why I'm leaning heavily towards going in. 

I need help, but am I sick enough to go back in? What exactly does that even mean? Sick enough? I could steal the gabapentin pills. I could make a statement.

 Sometimes I think about my life, and I think, what a big, fucking waste of breath. What have I done that's good in life?

 

Reasons for Living

I've been told that taking a W in Chemistry 201A isn't the end of world, but why does it feel like it? Or why does it just feel like it's more of the same? One more failure on top of a shit pile of more of the same? Does that mean that I'm just not intellectually astute enough to be a veterinarian? 

It's just led to an obsession with the bottle of pills (which are locked up in my parent's safe). If I took the pills then that means I'm seriously ill and need help. Do I need help? I think to myself, lots of people are depressed and go about their daily lives and don't swallow pills and don't run off to the hospital. Do I just want to take the pills because it's a cry for help, because I'm in pain and need people to respond to that pain with concern and warmth? Isn't that a bad reason to overdose? Some part of me does want to die. I can't think of a single reason to keep on living. I have tried all of the major purposes for existence. I have loved, and lost, I have tried and failed at having career, I have had at some point a great sex life. I never wanted kids.

 I question why I want to go to the hospital. Is it because I am truly a danger to myself or is it because I want to be around people who genuinely care about me and my well being? Do I want to see IP again? Is it because I just feel bad and want those feelings to stop? 

Yes, I am depressed, and I want those feelings to stop, but the question becomes: how long can I feel bad, and what happens when those feelings intensify? If history serves to be correct, the depression will just get worse unless something big hinders it. Otherwise, it will just run its course, and that will take months. And even if I do go to the hospital, that is no guarantee that it will help.