One Last Thought, Part [I Can't Fucking Remember]

After reading the English instructor's email in response to my "One Last Thought" a few times, I decided to send him this:

Dear Mr. [the English instructor], 

I guess what you must ask yourself (if you did, it didn't come out in your response) is: what do I have to gain by explaining my feelings for you, to the extent I did in the previous email? What did I have to gain praising your work, as you said? What did I have to gain by forwarding praise to the Department?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I wrote that email "One Last Thought" for myself, because I felt it was important for me to find some sense of closure (a horrible word that I venomously hate because closure is just a psychological blind spot that develops and evolves and grows like a cyst in the brain, as none of us are ever able to truly forget--unless you're me and have ECT. We just shuffle the books around on the shelf instead. Our interactions have already altered my life for the better, particularly your encouragement to continue my education, but rejection is so common, it has no teeth, just soft gums like an old woman sipping soup of her last meal. I have more fears of the elderly woman choking on the broth). 

You see, you can't put me in the student box because, simply, I don't belong there. You don't belong in the professor box, yes, you work, you have enthusiasm about your job, you spend an incredible amount of time in your role, you have dedicated a good part of your life to teaching and you are great at it, but what if someone only thought of you as a educator? Those people are not your friends. They would be limiting you when you are so much more than that. And what's frightening is that the more time you spend around someone, the harder it is to warp him/her and your perceptions of him/her into some handmade contraption built for your convenience. It's just a label, it doesn't define anyone, it doesn't encompass people's desires, motivations, and complex psyche.

 You can't build genuine, authentic, truly rewarding relationships (platonic or no) when you shove someone into some cage which he/she cannot fit into. Maybe doing so is safer so no one comes close enough in contact to harm, we could certainly argue that. But think about all the potential that remains in the human spirit, its almost infinite ability to connect--untouched--when you are insistent on segregating souls into these categories you see fit? 

I'm not asking you to like me, I'm not asking you to even talk to me, you have your rules about how you conduct your relationships with people, and I have to respect that--just like you should respect my wishes.

And to be honest, once in a while, I don't mind playing the fool. So, I kindly reject your offer, as stated in your email.

I apologize if I made you in any way uncomfortable. That was not my intent.

Goodbye,

[Jae]

Well, we all knew that the likelihood of this turning out in my favor was slim to none, and I do realize that no matter what anyone ever says, even if it is kindly delivered, no one likes to be rejected by someone whom he/she truly cares for.