What I realized today is, people never really leave you, the ex's still follow you around, good or bad, and they guide you along the path as you face a new lover, and take his hand for the journey.

I remember so much from my last relationship (not the one I write about the most, but my last actual committed relationship), and I carry it with me. I know it's a large part of why I haven't gotten into another one.

Maybe we only have so many chances before we burn out--even though there are innumerable lovers who wait to show us better ways.

I hear frequently as acquaintances my age are getting married or into new relationships, as they seem happy, and I wonder if my lacking came from childhood--if I'm trapped to repeat some pattern etched from when I was a toddler. At the same time, I feel genuinely grateful. I have felt the powerful force of love, and its gifts. I will not leave this life without experiencing the heights of it.

I will just leave without knowing it last.