BAck Then

I remembered when it happened.

It was March of 2008, and I was brushing my hair, his smell was there.

I realized at that moment that I was experiencing something different.

If I could stand next to her back then, I would whisper in her ear that he will only break her heart.

But then again, she would only whisper back that she didn't give a shit.

Life was about broken bones, backs and hearts.

Changes

I'll never be the same. I know this now.

Moving On

"Almost everyone just moves on--not because it's easy but because they have no choice."

--personal journal, date: Feb 11, 2013

Hell is Here

"I don't know what you are supposed to do when you love someone more than anything in the world, and you don't even talk to him. You don't see him. He's becoming a stranger to you. And this is life. It's the cruelest reality imaginable. It's evidence that hell is here, not in the afterlife."

--personal journal, date: April 2, 2013

Let Him Go

"But you loved him enough to let him go," the psychologist said.

Is that what this is?

--from personal journal, date: Jan 25, 2013

"He's just trying to keep his shit together."

--Rosa about Morpheus

My 30th Birthday

Before I was even a teenager, I have been planning to kill myself on my thirtieth birthday, thinking in part that 5/28/13 would never come.

I have a plan. I want to OD on morphine or heroin.

I don't have access to either at the moment, although I do know one drug dealer well enough to ask.

The people at county mental health know about my plan, and they have been helping me with options besides suicide. The Psych Tech has asked me if I want to spend my birthday in the hospital.

This is a "no."