Not Like You

I was out with Lucky, at a bar, and my cell phone rang. It was Joseph. I turn off the ringer.

"Who was that?" Lucky asks.

"Joseph, he's an ex," I say.

"Oh, like me."

"No, not like you," I reply.

Snips, Part II

"Are we ever going to be together?" I ask.

Silence.

Snips

"You know you got me, right?" He says.

"No, I don't know that."

The Last Five POunds, Part II

You try to lose weight on clozapine, and see how well you like it.

The Issue Is, Part II

I want him to say that he forgives me, too.

That I'm okay, he's okay.

Blurb

"But I'm here to apologize for the hurt I've caused you, in your life."
--blurb from the latest email I wrote Morpheus

A Note on Beck

Beck is out on the front porch, squeaking her ball, completely happy.

Don't you wish you had a ball to squeak?

GG

The bottle of Grey Goose is empty, but still on the counter, in the corner.

I don't know what we're hoping, that it will refill itself in the middle of the night?

Miracles of miracles?

Fun and GAmes

"I wouldn’t use those words, but let’s be real, I worked with girls with trust funds who were doing it for, I don’t know, their own sense of gritty realism and I think they needed to get lives."

Because you can't strip, I don't know, for fun and domination, for the constant reinforcement of your sexual prowess, for beauty and for games.

Yeah--it's for fun.

--Red, Tits and Sass

Drunk Emails

The therapist asked what was said in the drunk emails to Morpheus.

"Do you really want to know?" I said.

She nodded.

Compartmentalization While Stripping

"Compartmentalization is one thing, but inventing a whole other personality to avoid accountability for what one does while stripping is ludicrous."
--Caty, on Tits and Sass

Sub-clinical Bulimia

My eating habits have been wacky. STarving myself one day. Overeating the next. Sub-clinical bulimia.

Losing and gaining the same three pounds.

I hate it. I hate eating as much as I hate being hungry.

About Morpheus

"I wonder if, not that you're OVER him, but if you're ready to start moving on?"

--Rosa in an email, referring to Morpheus

More From the Therapist

"What makes you depressed?" My therapist says, "That you can't have him [Morpheus]?...I'm just throwing that out there."

TXT-message Conversation

This is from a TXT-message conversation I had yesterday with a person in G2P at Stanford University hospital, which is their psych unit:

"I know I should have just carried out the [suicide] plan I had today. Than [sic] I would be dead right now and I would be happy."

My response: "You can't be dead and happy. There's just dead."

Beck is My Best Bud

What's Cool

My therapist asked, since I've been feeling better, if I've asked friends out, for lunch or coffee, or just a meet in town.

Initially, I said no. I spend the vast majority of my days (and evenings/nights) at home, doing laundry and the dishes. Because I'm wild like that. But then I remembered--yes, I asked the Advisor out for a beer.

"Like a date?" She replied.

No! Which I thought was funny. So, then I had to explain the over ten year relationship I've had with a man who is older than my (step)father. How the Advisor has always been there for me, in sickness and in health.

"He has been a major part of your life," she said.

Yes. Of course, she wanted to know what his response was to my invitation.

He said yes, after the quarter was over at the University, he would hang out with me.

Which I think is cool.

Move In?

Joseph asked me to move in with him.

I didn't really give an answer.