Another Mile part 3

For a while, Stanford had a sitter for me, someone who follows me around everywhere I go to make sure that I stay safe, medical lingo for "not harming yourself."


With the psychologist here on the Unit, someone I've known for years, had me list all the things that makes me want to harm myself. The list was long and included everything from hearing rabid voices to gaining seventy pounds when put on Seroquel. Then there was missing my dog, Beck, and on and on.


The psychologist thinks that the reason why I'm having so much anxiety is because I have these emotions that I don't want to deal. And, she said, I am avoiding conflict with my parents. My mother pretty much rules the house, and most of the time, I don't feel like starting a fight. I told the therapist that I didn't want her to think negative characteristics of my parents because since my psychotic break in 2011, they have been exceedingly helpful. According to the psychologist, it's okay to be angry with someone you love, it doesn't mean that they're a bad person or you're a bad person for standing up for yourself.


I will probably withdrawal from my classes this semester, and I've decided not to go back until I can get more stable. Instead, I'm going to study for my real estate exam.

Another Mile, Part II

I keep getting asked why I tried strangling  myself with a towel, and I don't have any good answers. I'm depressed. I have problems with anxiety and hearing voices, I feel hopeless, lost and alone--

Another Mile

I've been at Stanford's G2P for almost two weeks now. My admission date was Oct 22nd. I was forced to go by my then therapist who gave me the option to go up to Stanford or she would call mobile crisis, which would have put me under another 5150 and thrown into the local mental hospital, of which I've never heard anything good about it.


Things have been rough with the voices, changing from being anonymous voices to hearing voices of people around me, like my parents and friends.


I was in the shower, finished and putting clothes on when I got up the stupid idea of strangling myself with a towel, which I did for a few seconds. It was more of curiosity than anything else. But what surprised me was how easily and thoughtlessly I decided (don't have you have to thoughts to decide?) to harm myself. It was just this compulsion.


The staff wasn't alarm, but they have paired me with a 24/7 sitter so something like that doesn't happen again.