For a while, Stanford had a sitter for me, someone who follows me around everywhere I go to make sure that I stay safe, medical lingo for "not harming yourself."
With the psychologist here on the Unit, someone I've known for years, had me list all the things that makes me want to harm myself. The list was long and included everything from hearing rabid voices to gaining seventy pounds when put on Seroquel. Then there was missing my dog, Beck, and on and on.
The psychologist thinks that the reason why I'm having so much anxiety is because I have these emotions that I don't want to deal. And, she said, I am avoiding conflict with my parents. My mother pretty much rules the house, and most of the time, I don't feel like starting a fight. I told the therapist that I didn't want her to think negative characteristics of my parents because since my psychotic break in 2011, they have been exceedingly helpful. According to the psychologist, it's okay to be angry with someone you love, it doesn't mean that they're a bad person or you're a bad person for standing up for yourself.
I will probably withdrawal from my classes this semester, and I've decided not to go back until I can get more stable. Instead, I'm going to study for my real estate exam.
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