The voices, particularly James (99% of the time, it's just him), run rampart when I'm at work for Cox, saying the same dumb shit they always have been saying--nobody likes you, you're a piece of shit, etc.
(James told me multiple times I was beautiful yesterday, but his true motive came out today, he said that if I wanted to die pretty, I needed to die soon as age will make me ugly)
My therapist who just handles the psychotic symptoms has decided that I need to journal and use Airbuds (play music while cleaning stalls and walking around the ranch). My psychiatrist told me that upping my clozapine to the level it would take to get rid of auditory hallucinations would interfere with my functioning, and I probably wouldn't be able to hold down a job nor go to school.
He also told me that he thought when he first took on my case he would never live to see the day of me functioning so well and at such a high level, and that he considered himself an optimist. He was amazed because I was considering the reality that I might die of old age, and I've never dealt with that before, always thought I'd end my own life.
But I'm still plagued by the voices. I have a theory that if I stop believing in what the voices are saying, then they will go away or at least their power will dissipate.
The stress of dealing with Cox brings about James. The two are connected some how. Interestingly enough, the voices go away when I'm riding, which is why equine therapy is so helpful, and why I continue to go out to Cox's place. James bugs me mostly when I'm not doing any specific work.
James continues to spit in my face (metaphorically, of course) that Cox only puts up with me because of my parents.
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