"Some people sabotage their happiness because they don't believe they deserve any," I say to the imaginary female therapist, no doubt quoting another therapist or some psychology book I read at some point.
"Do you look back at your life, and see you doing that to yourself?" She's scribbling on her pad.
I can't tell if she's writing or doodling. "When it comes to romantic relationships, I just don't think there was that much happiness to be had. I remember spending three days with [Mr. FS], who had asked me to marry him, three days, mind you, and after that, I was like, 'I have to get away from this man.' I hated being with him that long. He was a mean person....I could just go down the list..."
"Do you ever remember a time you were happy with someone?"
"Yeah, every time I stepped through that door at [Morpheus]'s house. Even if I'm mad at him, I'm still happy to be with him. I mean, if you could bottle that shit, I'd be IV'ing it all day long."
"Is this getting in the way of your studies? Your thoughts about him?"
"I don't know. I got my score back for my microbiology midterm. I got a 66%. That's the lowest grade, by far, that I've received in the past two years at [community college]. So, who knows?"
Wednesday, January 31, 2018
The Wonders of We
"The field of forces in the case of human behavior is the role of the situation, especially the social situation, in guiding behavior. The main situational influences on our behavior, influences that we often misjudge or fail to see altogether, are the actions--and sometimes just the mere presence--of other people. Friends, romantic partners, even total strangers can cause us to be kinder or meaner, smarter or dumber, lazier or more hardworking, bolder or more cautious. They can produce drastic changes in our beliefs and behavior not only by what they tell us explicitly, but also by modeling through their actions what we should think and do, by subtly implying that our acceptability as a friend or group member depends on adopting their views or behaving as they do."
--Social Psychology, pg. 9, by Gilovich, Keltner, Chen, and Nisbett
--Social Psychology, pg. 9, by Gilovich, Keltner, Chen, and Nisbett
The Questionable Conclusion Part V
"You're not going to find anyone unless you go out and are interacting with new people, like taking up a new hobby or joining a book club. How does that sound?" The imaginary female therapist looks at me earnestly, like she has the whole world figured out.
"Number one, I don't want to find anyone new. Okay? I realize that maybe it seems very odd or even abnormal, but I don't want to be in a relationship, and number two--number two, I don't have time for a book club. I have plenty of books to read just with my four classes."
"You want to be in a relationship with [Morpheus], but you don't want to be in a relationship?" She asks, thinking she has me trapped in some uncomfortable place.
"I never said I wanted to be in a relationship with [Morpheus]. I mean, yeah, if things were different--sometimes I imagine coming home to him like a normal individual, but--"
"It's okay to have needs and wants. To want to be close to someone. And it's okay to believe you'll find it."
"Really? I told my mother the other day that the only reason why I'd ever marry would be for money. My opinion on that hasn't changed. My friend [Rosa] once said that I acted like long term relationships were cancer." I smile slightly.
"Why for money?"
"The oldest reason ever. Financial stability. I remember a life when I didn't have to worry about where money came from. I wouldn't mind returning to that life...What if that's the last conversation we ever have?" I say, changing the subject, and suddenly frightened.
"What if it is?"
"Whenever I think about it, it just stops me in my tracks. Like it's impossible to digest."
"Number one, I don't want to find anyone new. Okay? I realize that maybe it seems very odd or even abnormal, but I don't want to be in a relationship, and number two--number two, I don't have time for a book club. I have plenty of books to read just with my four classes."
"You want to be in a relationship with [Morpheus], but you don't want to be in a relationship?" She asks, thinking she has me trapped in some uncomfortable place.
"I never said I wanted to be in a relationship with [Morpheus]. I mean, yeah, if things were different--sometimes I imagine coming home to him like a normal individual, but--"
"It's okay to have needs and wants. To want to be close to someone. And it's okay to believe you'll find it."
"Really? I told my mother the other day that the only reason why I'd ever marry would be for money. My opinion on that hasn't changed. My friend [Rosa] once said that I acted like long term relationships were cancer." I smile slightly.
"Why for money?"
"The oldest reason ever. Financial stability. I remember a life when I didn't have to worry about where money came from. I wouldn't mind returning to that life...What if that's the last conversation we ever have?" I say, changing the subject, and suddenly frightened.
"What if it is?"
"Whenever I think about it, it just stops me in my tracks. Like it's impossible to digest."
Sunday, January 28, 2018
Racism is Okay if You Keep It In Your Own House
My parents and I and my uncle are all in the den. I'm working on my microbiology midterm. My mother brings up the idea of Oprah running for president.
"That's just what we need, another nigger in the White House," my uncle says.
I am leaning over the bottom freezer, grabbing a Coke Zero, when I say, "Hey, easy with the racial slurs."
My mother defends her brother, "This is a private residence."
"That's just what we need, another nigger in the White House," my uncle says.
I am leaning over the bottom freezer, grabbing a Coke Zero, when I say, "Hey, easy with the racial slurs."
My mother defends her brother, "This is a private residence."
"Secrets From the Eating Lab," And Why You Should Avoid That Book Like Ben&Jerry's
According to the author of Secrets From the Eating Lab, our weight is largely genetically determined (I spoke about this earlier), and that we have a range of what is normal for us to weigh, and that without dieting, we can weigh on the low end of this range. Normally, during the course of my adulthood, I would gain and lose about thirty pounds, all within the normal weight range for my height, anywhere from the verge of being underweight to being about five pounds from being overweight--until recently anyway. Again, as the author said, it's hard for people to gain weight out of this range, and keep the weight on (she cited some studies), just as it is hard for people to diet out of their livable weight by being too light. If you try to mess with this range, you suffer some fairly drastic consequences.
There's a big problem with this argument, of course, and that's the fact that 2/3rds of the American population is either overweight or obese and that number has increased dramatically, just in my lifetime. It can't be due to genetic variability because there haven't been enough generations to naturally select for fat people, and therefore produce more of them, and therefore change the population. I've heard this argument before, I didn't come up with it, but I believe it to be fairly sound reasoning, even if it is evolutionary (which I'm personally not fond of for reasons I won't go into here).
So, are overweight and obese people just living in their genetically predetermined weight range?
I say no on that one. I read Fat Chance by Robert Lustig, brilliant researcher and doctor, who cited some possible environmental toxins as explanations for the increase in everyone's weight. There's this theory going around that the reason why people gain weight on Seroquel is because the drug changes the microbes in the gut (which is why I'm researching this very topic right now). I asked my doctors at Stanford as to how Topamax (which I'm currently on) works to help people to lose weight, and they didn't know.
Unfortunately, Dr. Mann doesn't offer much in the way of solutions. Her non-dieting dieting advice were things I had heard before. Like don't keep tempting things in the house because you will have a weak moment and eat them. Like eat a salad before your main course. Like don't eat to receive an emotional boost because it won't work. Etc. Honestly, if you want really good, non-extremist dieting advice, read the O Magazine. There are always helpful tips in there. Plus, Oprah, no matter how successful she is, she constantly struggles with her self-image and her weight, something that a lot of us average people can connect with.
Dr. Mann writes a full chapter on weight-based discrimination, but then later writes another chapter where she talks about being "okay" with your overweight body. She says we have better things to do with our time and energy than build the perfect body (even if we could), and therefore we should stride forward with other goals.
But if she's right, then someone's weight, and physical appearance, affects everything, including the job this person could potentially get or not get. I can understand that some people don't want to conform to society's standards and norms because they want to accept themselves as they are, and want other people to do the same. When I think of this, I think of trans and gender nonconforming.
But isn't it just all a hopeless message for those of us who are overweight or even slightly obese?
Do we buy into the stigma?
Yes.
Does that make us part of the problem, especially if we pass that message on down to our daughters (like my mother did to me)?
Yes.
But what do we do?
There's a big problem with this argument, of course, and that's the fact that 2/3rds of the American population is either overweight or obese and that number has increased dramatically, just in my lifetime. It can't be due to genetic variability because there haven't been enough generations to naturally select for fat people, and therefore produce more of them, and therefore change the population. I've heard this argument before, I didn't come up with it, but I believe it to be fairly sound reasoning, even if it is evolutionary (which I'm personally not fond of for reasons I won't go into here).
So, are overweight and obese people just living in their genetically predetermined weight range?
I say no on that one. I read Fat Chance by Robert Lustig, brilliant researcher and doctor, who cited some possible environmental toxins as explanations for the increase in everyone's weight. There's this theory going around that the reason why people gain weight on Seroquel is because the drug changes the microbes in the gut (which is why I'm researching this very topic right now). I asked my doctors at Stanford as to how Topamax (which I'm currently on) works to help people to lose weight, and they didn't know.
Unfortunately, Dr. Mann doesn't offer much in the way of solutions. Her non-dieting dieting advice were things I had heard before. Like don't keep tempting things in the house because you will have a weak moment and eat them. Like eat a salad before your main course. Like don't eat to receive an emotional boost because it won't work. Etc. Honestly, if you want really good, non-extremist dieting advice, read the O Magazine. There are always helpful tips in there. Plus, Oprah, no matter how successful she is, she constantly struggles with her self-image and her weight, something that a lot of us average people can connect with.
Dr. Mann writes a full chapter on weight-based discrimination, but then later writes another chapter where she talks about being "okay" with your overweight body. She says we have better things to do with our time and energy than build the perfect body (even if we could), and therefore we should stride forward with other goals.
But if she's right, then someone's weight, and physical appearance, affects everything, including the job this person could potentially get or not get. I can understand that some people don't want to conform to society's standards and norms because they want to accept themselves as they are, and want other people to do the same. When I think of this, I think of trans and gender nonconforming.
But isn't it just all a hopeless message for those of us who are overweight or even slightly obese?
Do we buy into the stigma?
Yes.
Does that make us part of the problem, especially if we pass that message on down to our daughters (like my mother did to me)?
Yes.
But what do we do?
Saturday, January 27, 2018
Being Fat is Fair Game, Part VII
I don't suggest reading Secrets From the Eating Lab (I'm almost finished). But if you're overweight or even obese, here's what you're in for:
1. Here's a real documented case for weight-based discrimination and stigma. Congrats. People judge you just because you weigh a little more, and think you are less intelligent and less hard working, and doctors are less likely to treat you properly, and on and on.
2. The odds are incredibly stacked against you if you ever want to lose enough weight to be within the BMI's idea of normal weight. According to one doctor, you have better odds of beating rare forms of cancer.
3. Weight loss companies build their business models on the idea that people will regain their weight that they loose, and therefore be repeat customers.
4. Most of us know most of the reasons why people can't lose weight to begin with. One of the additional reasons that I learned that I didn't know was that being on a diet actually causes stress, and as most of us know, stress causes weight gain. Perfect! Dieting also causes loss in executive function, you know, that part of the brain that helps you to stop yourself before you reach for that cookie at nine pm. Decreases. Why? According to the author, no one is quite sure. Oh! And yes! Dieting makes you temporarily less smart! Who knew?
5. Obesity won't kill you. Actually, people who are overweight live longer than people who are normal weight, and people who are underweight, well, it's suggested that they could live shorter lives. But does obesity give you disease? Maybe. What we know for sure is that inactivity gives you disease, and people with obesity are less active. But who cares, right? If the world looks down on you if you're fat, do you really care that you live another five, six years from the skinny sister you have?
6. Theoretically, it's impossible that I'm overweight. My parents, both biological and adoptive, are thin. Weight is 70% inherited. I'm a bit of a fat miracle. It was also said that the people around you influence your eating habits. My mother barely eats. What's wrong with me?
7. One good bit of information that men don't want you to know, they watch a lot of porn with fat women in it. True story. The experts at Google figured this out.
8. Reducing your caloric intake to 1,500 calories per day makes you obsess about food to the exclusion of all other things or needs, including sex. If you want to be thin, and you're not genetic predisposed, it will have to be your life's focus.
9. Anorexics have enormous amounts of focus and self-control, which most of us don't. But never mind.
1. Here's a real documented case for weight-based discrimination and stigma. Congrats. People judge you just because you weigh a little more, and think you are less intelligent and less hard working, and doctors are less likely to treat you properly, and on and on.
2. The odds are incredibly stacked against you if you ever want to lose enough weight to be within the BMI's idea of normal weight. According to one doctor, you have better odds of beating rare forms of cancer.
3. Weight loss companies build their business models on the idea that people will regain their weight that they loose, and therefore be repeat customers.
4. Most of us know most of the reasons why people can't lose weight to begin with. One of the additional reasons that I learned that I didn't know was that being on a diet actually causes stress, and as most of us know, stress causes weight gain. Perfect! Dieting also causes loss in executive function, you know, that part of the brain that helps you to stop yourself before you reach for that cookie at nine pm. Decreases. Why? According to the author, no one is quite sure. Oh! And yes! Dieting makes you temporarily less smart! Who knew?
5. Obesity won't kill you. Actually, people who are overweight live longer than people who are normal weight, and people who are underweight, well, it's suggested that they could live shorter lives. But does obesity give you disease? Maybe. What we know for sure is that inactivity gives you disease, and people with obesity are less active. But who cares, right? If the world looks down on you if you're fat, do you really care that you live another five, six years from the skinny sister you have?
6. Theoretically, it's impossible that I'm overweight. My parents, both biological and adoptive, are thin. Weight is 70% inherited. I'm a bit of a fat miracle. It was also said that the people around you influence your eating habits. My mother barely eats. What's wrong with me?
7. One good bit of information that men don't want you to know, they watch a lot of porn with fat women in it. True story. The experts at Google figured this out.
8. Reducing your caloric intake to 1,500 calories per day makes you obsess about food to the exclusion of all other things or needs, including sex. If you want to be thin, and you're not genetic predisposed, it will have to be your life's focus.
9. Anorexics have enormous amounts of focus and self-control, which most of us don't. But never mind.
Friday, January 26, 2018
Lessons in Microbiology, Part III
It's the end of microbiology lab, and my professor is turned away from me, sitting on a chair in front of a computer. He's looking through scientific research articles for something on the link between intestinal microbes and obesity.
"So, you understand Italian and Portuguese?" I ask.
He turns around. "Yes."
I'm a little impressed. He does have near-perfect English. Sometimes he switches his "this" and "these" and simple errors like that. I'm always amazed when people can speak multiple languages because I can barely deal with English.
"So, you understand Italian and Portuguese?" I ask.
He turns around. "Yes."
I'm a little impressed. He does have near-perfect English. Sometimes he switches his "this" and "these" and simple errors like that. I'm always amazed when people can speak multiple languages because I can barely deal with English.
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