Evolution of Desire

Perhaps I read the book, Evolution of Desire, looking for answers. Why did the email conversation go from "how do I contact you" to I never want to hear from you again in less than an hour? Why did he tell me about those other women he was seeing? Why is it that he didn't choose me to be his official girlfriend? Why was I never chosen? What exactly was wrong with me?

Probably no single book is going to explain Morpheus' behavior, and even an entire library might failed.

Evolution of Desire is the academic, literature version of Someone Like You (in fact, even the "new cow" study was talked about in both).

No matter your feelings on evolutionary psychology, you can't help but notice the overriding sexism guiding this book; however, that doesn't mean it doesn't have anything to offer in way of insight.

What are the general principles explained in the book? Men care most about physical attractiveness in finding a romantic partner for marriage, and this is a cross-cultural phenomenon. People have "mate value," which for women is based on their appearance, and this "value" determines what kind of man they can obtain and latch onto. Most of us date around with people whom are close in "mate value." In other words, if you're a six on the ten attractiveness scale as a woman, you will find yourself dating other sixes. Women, what do we value? Material success and financial stability in a mate. The book goes into the evolutionary reasons behind all of this, which I will skip.

What do men avoid in a female companion? They have a particular aversion to promiscuity in women (of which I qualify), and even today, they like women who are modest, and will not sleep around on them after they're married. The percentage of men who cheat on their spouse? About 40%, which isn't comforting if you're in a long term relationship with someone. For women, it's slightly lower, but still significant.

Falling in love is not a modern phenomenon, and it is not a Western invention. Most cultures around the world have some version of it. For women, I have to wonder, why get married at all, if your spouse is likely to cheat, if you no longer need his financial resources because you have a rewarding career? Maybe because we fall in love, maybe because society expects us to marry, maybe because we want to raise children with two parents, maybe because loneliness sets in, and we can't escape the romantic ideals of our time.

We get trapped into a bad bargain that supposedly lasts for life.

Evolution of Desire talks about certain behaviors that keep our spouse from cheating on us or leaving us for a better mate. One of those behaviors was vigilance, the impulse to check emails of our partner, look through TXT-messages on his phone, etc. Sexual jealousy, and on and on. I find these behaviors, especially in a marriage, to be disturbing and controlling. But, I'm not an evolutionary psychologist.