Healthy

 Over the past four or five days, James has been unusually quiet and subdued. Is it part of a trend?

"What do you attribute that to?" My outpatient psychiatrist asked me during our last session. This was a trick question, and I fall right into it like an idiot. 

"I think it's the clozapine kicking in," I say, honestly. He would later state that it wasn't a medication that helped me, but rather being engaged outdoors with the horses and staying busy and social and three days a week therapy and all that crap that was saving my life, not the pills. The fact that he's a psychiatrist who doesn't believe in medical intervention--well, I continually have a difficult time swallowing this. What does he do, exactly? If he doesn't prescribe pills?

But, he gave me the big "told you so" during our session, an attitude I didn't particularly care for. Literally saying, "I told you..." He was impressed that I was doing so well, but if he knows anything about psychiatry, he should know that this is the most vulnerable part of the cycle, if you will, of depression because you have just enough energy and executive function and motivation to kill yourself. 

So much of my identity is my illness, so what happens to me when James goes away, and I am healthy? Well? Who am I then?