Sawyer

"He's just a horse, [Jae], he's just a horse..." Cox keeps telling. 

Just Sayin'

I wanna walk up to him, and whisper in his ear and say, "For hundreds of dollars, I made men like you cum in their pants..."

What Would Happen if You Were Just You?

 I don't know quite what upset me. The dialogue got started because I sent a text-message to Cox a few days ago asking him if we could have a "brief conversation about Sawyer" before his training/board bill is due. Cox approached me while I was on my second stall of the morning. I was feeling the burn already in my arms. 

My therapist has been telling me that I don't ask for what I want enough. I don't ask for what I need. I don't allow myself to be "me." 

"What would happen if you were just you?" My therapist has challenged me. I don't know. 

Somehow the conversation turned to where I asked if I could ride my horse five days a week. Cox was taken back by this idea. He takes his hat off at this point and rubs his face with his hand. "All these people want to come ride their horse, and I have to babysit them."

"I don't want you to feel like you're babysitting me!" I retort. 

I made a similar mistake of later on in the talk telling him what I really wanted. "I want a job. I want to be part of the crew."

"You want me to pay you?" He says incredulous. "First of all, you'd have to learn to clean stalls faster. I can't afford to pay you. Well, I can, but I don't need to. I have Case. He and I can do these stalls in an hour or an hour and a half. And Cass helps on the weekends."

(For the record, it takes me three hours by myself to clean all the stalls, inside the barn and the outside pens.)

Cox continued, "I'm trying to run a business here. It's not always lovey-dovy, sometimes I'm in bad mood..."

The man told me just weeks ago that he liked me and that he was my friend. 

He did offer me the option of leaving Sawyer in the pasture, and that way I can ride him all I want. I would still be around Cox 

As I started to leave,

"If you're going to be like that, take the horse home," he retaliates. 

Pulling the manure wagon absentmindedly behind me down the barn alley, "I'm going to leave and take some time to process what you said." 

I gave a horse cookie to Sawyer and then left

 

Fishing [Update]

 When I was younger, say in my twenties, I assume every men was attracted to me until proven otherwise. Dancing did that to me. 

Getting older, months without dating or sex, you begin to wonder if that statement is true. Men don't mock you, but they certainly don't compliment you. That being said, I don't drop my clothes for random strangers, I don't tease pedestrians, I don't haphazardly grab dicks or rub up against anyone. I've occasionally wondered what would happen if I put on a dress and make up and went downtown to a bar at night, and went fishing. Would I catch anything? 

Maybe this would be better use of my time instead of waiting for Cox to come on to me, which he may or may not do. And then, how will I handle it? And then, down the rabbit hole we go.

The day I met Dennis Hof I was wearing a ball cap and jeans, thinking I was going to a job interview for a ranch/riding position. He saw through the worn t-shirt and ratty jeans into something else. 

However, I feel like I've been living in dormant, and I'm not sure what I'm waiting for in order to wake back up. Time? I'm not getting any younger. Waiting to meet that special someone? I've been so disconnected from my surroundings thanks to chronic depression that I'm not sure I'd notice someone if he did cross my path. What would that even look like for starters? My fellow classmates are fresh out of high school and have pimples as their most difficult skin problem, not wrinkles. I've never met a student that I ever was attracted to, and maybe that's on me, not them.