I don't know quite what upset me. The dialogue got started because I sent a text-message to Cox a few days ago asking him if we could have a "brief conversation about Sawyer" before his training/board bill is due. Cox approached me while I was on my second stall of the morning. I was feeling the burn already in my arms.
My therapist has been telling me that I don't ask for what I want enough. I don't ask for what I need. I don't allow myself to be "me."
"What would happen if you were just you?" My therapist has challenged me. I don't know.
Somehow the conversation turned to where I asked if I could ride my horse five days a week. Cox was taken back by this idea. He takes his hat off at this point and rubs his face with his hand. "All these people want to come ride their horse, and I have to babysit them."
"I don't want you to feel like you're babysitting me!" I retort.
I made a similar mistake of later on in the talk telling him what I really wanted. "I want a job. I want to be part of the crew."
"You want me to pay you?" He says incredulous. "First of all, you'd have to learn to clean stalls faster. I can't afford to pay you. Well, I can, but I don't need to. I have Case. He and I can do these stalls in an hour or an hour and a half. And Cass helps on the weekends."
(For the record, it takes me three hours by myself to clean all the stalls, inside the barn and the outside pens.)
Cox continued, "I'm trying to run a business here. It's not always lovey-dovy, sometimes I'm in bad mood..."
The man told me just weeks ago that he liked me and that he was my friend.
He did offer me the option of leaving Sawyer in the pasture, and that way I can ride him all I want. I would still be around Cox
As I started to leave,
"If you're going to be like that, take the horse home," he retaliates.
Pulling the manure wagon absentmindedly behind me down the barn alley, "I'm going to leave and take some time to process what you said."
I gave a horse cookie to Sawyer and then left
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