"...which was that I could know nothing and that the best that I could do was to hang myself--"
--Leo Tolstoy
Thursday, May 30, 2019
The Symptom of Sex
I bought the line that said, "If we're friends, having sex will bring us closer, on a different level."
Sex always manages to fuck shit up, perfectly good shit like a loving, open relationship where two people respect each other, and don't play games.
To fall in love with someone, who is your best friend, and your best lover--I've never met him.
Sex always manages to fuck shit up, perfectly good shit like a loving, open relationship where two people respect each other, and don't play games.
To fall in love with someone, who is your best friend, and your best lover--I've never met him.
So Silent Now
My phone is so silent now, like no one has ever cared about me, like no one ever will--but, ah, the thrill of a shrill ring or ding. Now I'm connected back to earth, I'm no longer floating away from society and from people. I have one small string pulling me in closer.
What happens when it snaps?
What happens when it snaps?
The Fellow
My doctor at Stanford Pain Management Clinic is unusually handsome, graduated from Harvard Medical School, has two degrees in Biomedical Engineering, and is now a fellow at Stanford.
I wonder what makes these people tick, did they have to work hard, harder than anyone else, or was the gift of intellect bestowed upon them like a crown on a king?
I'm always a little nervous when I see him. We are probably close in age. Does he see me as anything besides a hospital gown? Would that be improper?
I wonder what makes these people tick, did they have to work hard, harder than anyone else, or was the gift of intellect bestowed upon them like a crown on a king?
I'm always a little nervous when I see him. We are probably close in age. Does he see me as anything besides a hospital gown? Would that be improper?
Plumage, Part II
Some people will say that I must miss the sex, if anything.
With as many medications I'm on, I rarely even think about it. I remember earlier days when I was compulsive about it, but those were my twenties, and--sigh--I've gotten older. I'm no longer manic or hypomanic. While moving, I found a box of old business cards from the Agency. In the picture, I was lying down in lacy black panties. Who would think that at some point, that was me?
Who would have thought that girl would book the most shows, top of the gorgeous girl pile?
If I was fifty pounds lighter, I would probably go back to dancing, at least while I still could. Back in the days when I was hit on all night long. I didn't pay attention to the men, the men paid attention to me.
Maybe I use the weight gain, the fat, to hide behind. I've wondered about that. Men don't notice me now, and if they do, they don't say anything.
With as many medications I'm on, I rarely even think about it. I remember earlier days when I was compulsive about it, but those were my twenties, and--sigh--I've gotten older. I'm no longer manic or hypomanic. While moving, I found a box of old business cards from the Agency. In the picture, I was lying down in lacy black panties. Who would think that at some point, that was me?
Who would have thought that girl would book the most shows, top of the gorgeous girl pile?
If I was fifty pounds lighter, I would probably go back to dancing, at least while I still could. Back in the days when I was hit on all night long. I didn't pay attention to the men, the men paid attention to me.
Maybe I use the weight gain, the fat, to hide behind. I've wondered about that. Men don't notice me now, and if they do, they don't say anything.
Plumage
For the most part, I've managed to escape situations like this (i.e. waiting for some man to come back and re-establish communication). I avoid Tinder and Bumble, only occasionally flipping through it during school breaks.
The only way you can avoid someone disappointing you, is to avoid him all together.
People will remind me about love and how great it is, I see pictures of newborn babies on Facebook with happily married young couples, but I've been in love. At some point, which I'll never know, I might even had been pregnant. Love makes you crazy, and if you're crazy to begin with, the craziness blossoms into total insanity or madness. Obsessive thinking, anxiety, etc. As I tell my friends, I've been in love once, and I don't plan on repeating the experience.
I do pretty well at avoiding love. To be honest, love doesn't come and find us. We have to be at least somewhat open to the experience. My lab buddy in Microbiology this semester was very handsome, but also engaged. He was sweet too, often cleaning our portion of the lab all by himself. He let me look over his notes (and with the instructor approval), steal his answers if I missed a lab from going up to Stanford. He paid attention, and he did good work. He was also my age, a cop wanting to change occupations. I thought about offering him a beer in thanks of being my buddy all semester, but I never did. If I was younger, I probably would have.
I don't go out to bars any more, I've used the excuse that I'm gay on a few men.
Elijah reminded me that I don't like the stress, the worrying, the waiting, perhaps I'm too old but I don't see the benefit to all this colorful plumage.
The only way you can avoid someone disappointing you, is to avoid him all together.
People will remind me about love and how great it is, I see pictures of newborn babies on Facebook with happily married young couples, but I've been in love. At some point, which I'll never know, I might even had been pregnant. Love makes you crazy, and if you're crazy to begin with, the craziness blossoms into total insanity or madness. Obsessive thinking, anxiety, etc. As I tell my friends, I've been in love once, and I don't plan on repeating the experience.
I do pretty well at avoiding love. To be honest, love doesn't come and find us. We have to be at least somewhat open to the experience. My lab buddy in Microbiology this semester was very handsome, but also engaged. He was sweet too, often cleaning our portion of the lab all by himself. He let me look over his notes (and with the instructor approval), steal his answers if I missed a lab from going up to Stanford. He paid attention, and he did good work. He was also my age, a cop wanting to change occupations. I thought about offering him a beer in thanks of being my buddy all semester, but I never did. If I was younger, I probably would have.
I don't go out to bars any more, I've used the excuse that I'm gay on a few men.
Elijah reminded me that I don't like the stress, the worrying, the waiting, perhaps I'm too old but I don't see the benefit to all this colorful plumage.
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