Therapists And Their Stupid Bullshit

During our coffee together, the English instructor confessed to me that he had to come up with ten reasons why someone would want to date him (I believe this was part of his therapy, but honestly, I don't remember where the remark came from).

I hate it when therapists insist on stupid shit like that. First of all, in order to come up with the list, at least for me, I'd have to lie--because I think it's completely improper to brag about yourself to some mental health professional, who is sitting there, and silently judging you. For instance, what if you say, "Hey, I've got great thighs" (which, I don't, but anyway). "That's one thing."

The therapist is secretly glancing at your thighs, in a totally inappropriate manner, and then says to herself (yes, this is a woman), "[Jae] doesn't have great thighs. She's deluting herself, but that's okay, because it's a positive untrue thought, and we want those to swim around in [Jae]'s head." Because you are gullible, and I'm the wise, thoughtful, rational, never-yell-at-my-husband, educated bitch. Point for me.

I mean, I could come up with a lot of reasons for dating the English instructor--even though in my last email, I told him that "you don't have to send me an email, telling me how much you don't want to be with me, because I am, of course, a student, and you're a professor (reasons which I think are bullshit..."

Again, I could name some positives, I mean most people don't get to be smart and good looking all at the same time. Sometimes, you get one or the other, and then again, for less fortunate people (yes, I'm an elitist), you get neither. You fail algebra exams, and the girl with the cute skirt next to you, well, she just gave you the ugly eye when you asked if she would tutor you. Totally innocent, by the way.

Okay, maybe, he's a little abrasive, at least when you're trying to get to know him. As I said in the email yesterday, "If we're being honest, you're not the easiest person in the world to get to know. But I figure, you already know that." But he quotes poetry, and that's sexy. I can't explain it. It's like an orgasm of the brain to sit across from someone who actually knows literature and art and--gasp--poetry.

Instead of naming a few of his more attractive qualities, I just told him about how recently I had to do a similar exercise, and it's way easier to come up with the five weaknesses than the five strengths. There's a running joke between my last therapist and I--I listed one of my strengths as "cooperative." She heard that, and snorted and then laughed because she understood I was kidding. For my final therapy session, I was asked to draw and paint a fish, and then next to the fish, I had to write my biggest strength.

I chose, what?

Cooperative.