Hospital?

 Mom has been hinting that I need to go into the hospital. "Better to go early, and be released sooner instead of waiting and ending up being in the hospital for two months." The problem with that theory is the fact that the hospital wants to see you at your absolute worst, no where to go, completely psychotic, suicidal with a knife held to your delicate wrist, anxiety so bad you can't leave your house to go to work or even to go get groceries, so thin you're fed through a tube in your nose, so depressed you're a walking zombie, etc, etc. Over the years at Stanford, I've seen it all, and it's not pretty. 

I have far to fall before the hospital will take me serious. So, what is Mom worried about? The same shit I'm worried about. I was cleaning Streak's stall (mare), and the walls, the shavings, and the manure started talking to me, nonsensical, but yes, talking. Voices, low and quiet. Whispering. It only happened because I had the music in my AirPods because I had just finished talking to Cox. These voices creaked up on me. They hung around until I was finished cleaning the stall, and then as soon as I left Streak, they were gone. The experience has not been repeated because I'm sure to have my music on. The whole experience scared me because these voices were different from James. They were not under any kind of my control. James is predictable. He says the same shit over and over again. These voices were different. 

I told my CBT-Psy therapist about it, and she didn't seem to be concerned, but she said she would inform the doctor who is handling my case while my regular doctor is out on sabbatical. 

Since then, new voices have appeared. but they're like James, loud and obnoxious. 

Another issue that has my mother concerned, something that I haven't dealt with for a while, is my suicidal ideations are back. I haven't thought about killing myself for a long time. Months. They're just thoughts at this point, but it is a definite shift from even a few weeks ago. My mother asked me how long does it take for me to descend and get sick enough to require hospitalization from this point, knowing how I feel right now. I told her a month to two months. 

I don't want to be sick enough to require hospitalization, and I don't want to go through the nasty process of getting there. 

Mom told me not to worry about Sawyer or Cox if I were to be hospitalized, she would make sure that was handled.