I used to have such good instincts about men, which is how I was able to survive and thrive as a private dancer. What happened to that? Part of it is: those men, I wasn't emotionally involved. I knew how to get what I wanted from them before the heart had a chance to mess things up.
A few days ago, I was out at the ranch, and I was on the right side of Sawyer, saddling him up, when Cox approached me. He was right next to me, leaning down (the man is rather tall) and said while handling the pouch that was threaded to the back cinch, "For your snackies, in case you ever get hungry." He's smiling. It was the first time a man had been close to me besides the hug I gave my dad for Valentine's Day (he did buy me a box of chocolates). Was it bad? Was it inappropriate? I don't think so. I just noticed an up-tick in my anxiety until he left. I was worried I had horse hair on my face, and that he would have noticed (I did groom a shedding horse on a windy day).
Talking to Cox makes me nervous, so I try not to do a lot of it. My therapist says I need to work on my assertiveness, and she wanted me to see if I could get my training bill decreased, but I didn't even ask him. I'm just going to pay him his regular amount. Why does he make me nervous? I want him to think well of me. Is there something more to it than that? Probably. But I haven't gotten it figured out yet.
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