Feeling upset and vulnerable yesterday, I TXT-messaged Morpheus about an hour after my fight with the LSU Professor. "Call me please, if you can."
Morpheus messages me a few minutes later, "Yes, soon as done."
Saturday, March 4, 2017
The Unfortunate Ramblings
The meeting started out on edge because a few days before, I had told the LSU Professor that Morpheus had contacted me. He IM'ed me back, asking if I would see him, and added, "Will [Morpheus] be there?" For whatever reason, I was insulted by a rather benign remark. I felt mocked, and I told the LSU Professor so. He apologized to me in person as we were sitting down to have lunch.
But then, somehow, the conversation slipped into how Joseph treats me (and I feel about Joseph) and how I treat Morpheus (and how Morpheus feels about me). Trust me, I didn't appreciate the comparison. Just a few minutes ago, Joseph TXT-messaged me, "Dont u ever forget that i Love u." What's wrong with having traits in common with Joseph, who is an upstanding citizen (a little bit of a homophobic asshole when talking about gay rights) and who genuinely, despite my resistance, cares for me, and perhaps loves me? A person could do much worse (and that's, of course, the point). If you want to argue that I should love Joseph because he cares about me and has solid employment, I would argue that this isn't 1917, but rather 2017 when women can get married for reasons other than economic security, and oh, yes, to a man who won't hit me (even when I really deserve it) because he's a gentleman that way.
"Don't you see the similarities?" The LSU Professor tells me.
"Well, I hope [Morpheus] doesn't feel about me the way I feel about Joseph," I remark, feeling rising anger.
"Why? Joseph's a nice guy, there's nothing wrong with him."
"Because the sex is boring, and I'm not attracted to him. I would hope that the sex wasn't boring between [Morpheus] and I. But maybe it was."
"You want to believe that [Morpheus] is still attracted to you." (author's note: I'm not sure on the exact nature of this quote)
Doesn't everyone? You don't want to be around a romantic partner who has sex with you, not because you're hot and great in bed, but because you're easily available and you don't complain much? "Maybe he's not. That's my prevailing theory, that he's not attracted to me anymore, and he realized it at some point in the night when we last saw each other in September, which is why he hasn't called."
In some later remark, the LSU Professor tells me, "Your emotions inhibits your logic."
Fucking great. "I'm insulted by that. I have thought of everything," I respond, referring to the fact that I have carefully considered all options and viewpoints on the Morpheus mystery, including everything from he's so in love with me that he's afraid to be with me and commit to me because he has "avoidant, insecure attachment style"--to--he's just using me when he's bored, lonely and horny.
"Well, I'm sorry--" The LSU Professor starts.
I figure he's going to apologize at this point.
"--that you're human." He stares at me. He then, for reasons I'm not aware of, launches into a rant about how horrible it was for Morpheus to have sex with me while his wife was pregnant, "for you and for the baby."
"What does his wife being pregnant have anything to do with me?" I say, as I'm remembering a conversation I had with Morpheus, years ago, telling him that the worst part of number three (who grew up to be beautiful like her parents) was the fact that it had nothing to do with me. It was about him and his feelings for his wife.
"Because he made you promises, and he didn't tell you he was sleeping with his wife."
"I kind of assumed once she moved back into the house again and they were sharing the same bed, that he was fucking her again." I'm getting pretty heated at this point.
The LSU Professor says something I don't remember.
"You don't know what happened. Maybe they were in bed together, and she climbed on top of him and started stroking him, is he going to say no to that? Would you? It's not like he got her pregnant on purpose. It was a complete surprise."
"But he should have told you."
"He did! Within weeks of finding out. And the only reason why I remember that is because I wrote about it."
"I have never slept with two women at the same time," he argues.
"What does that matter? You're just imposing your value system on this. Lots of people have sex with more than one person, like polyamory or non-monogamy...I never called you foolish for [girlfriend 1] or [girlfriend 2]."
"I'm not calling you foolish."
"You think I was too dumb to figure out he was sleeping with his wife."
"Hey, I never said anything about your intelligence. You are very smart."
And then we argued more over the same subjects.
But then, somehow, the conversation slipped into how Joseph treats me (and I feel about Joseph) and how I treat Morpheus (and how Morpheus feels about me). Trust me, I didn't appreciate the comparison. Just a few minutes ago, Joseph TXT-messaged me, "Dont u ever forget that i Love u." What's wrong with having traits in common with Joseph, who is an upstanding citizen (a little bit of a homophobic asshole when talking about gay rights) and who genuinely, despite my resistance, cares for me, and perhaps loves me? A person could do much worse (and that's, of course, the point). If you want to argue that I should love Joseph because he cares about me and has solid employment, I would argue that this isn't 1917, but rather 2017 when women can get married for reasons other than economic security, and oh, yes, to a man who won't hit me (even when I really deserve it) because he's a gentleman that way.
"Don't you see the similarities?" The LSU Professor tells me.
"Well, I hope [Morpheus] doesn't feel about me the way I feel about Joseph," I remark, feeling rising anger.
"Why? Joseph's a nice guy, there's nothing wrong with him."
"Because the sex is boring, and I'm not attracted to him. I would hope that the sex wasn't boring between [Morpheus] and I. But maybe it was."
"You want to believe that [Morpheus] is still attracted to you." (author's note: I'm not sure on the exact nature of this quote)
Doesn't everyone? You don't want to be around a romantic partner who has sex with you, not because you're hot and great in bed, but because you're easily available and you don't complain much? "Maybe he's not. That's my prevailing theory, that he's not attracted to me anymore, and he realized it at some point in the night when we last saw each other in September, which is why he hasn't called."
In some later remark, the LSU Professor tells me, "Your emotions inhibits your logic."
Fucking great. "I'm insulted by that. I have thought of everything," I respond, referring to the fact that I have carefully considered all options and viewpoints on the Morpheus mystery, including everything from he's so in love with me that he's afraid to be with me and commit to me because he has "avoidant, insecure attachment style"--to--he's just using me when he's bored, lonely and horny.
"Well, I'm sorry--" The LSU Professor starts.
I figure he's going to apologize at this point.
"--that you're human." He stares at me. He then, for reasons I'm not aware of, launches into a rant about how horrible it was for Morpheus to have sex with me while his wife was pregnant, "for you and for the baby."
"What does his wife being pregnant have anything to do with me?" I say, as I'm remembering a conversation I had with Morpheus, years ago, telling him that the worst part of number three (who grew up to be beautiful like her parents) was the fact that it had nothing to do with me. It was about him and his feelings for his wife.
"Because he made you promises, and he didn't tell you he was sleeping with his wife."
"I kind of assumed once she moved back into the house again and they were sharing the same bed, that he was fucking her again." I'm getting pretty heated at this point.
The LSU Professor says something I don't remember.
"You don't know what happened. Maybe they were in bed together, and she climbed on top of him and started stroking him, is he going to say no to that? Would you? It's not like he got her pregnant on purpose. It was a complete surprise."
"But he should have told you."
"He did! Within weeks of finding out. And the only reason why I remember that is because I wrote about it."
"I have never slept with two women at the same time," he argues.
"What does that matter? You're just imposing your value system on this. Lots of people have sex with more than one person, like polyamory or non-monogamy...I never called you foolish for [girlfriend 1] or [girlfriend 2]."
"I'm not calling you foolish."
"You think I was too dumb to figure out he was sleeping with his wife."
"Hey, I never said anything about your intelligence. You are very smart."
And then we argued more over the same subjects.
Just An Observation
My case manager and I are standing on a sidewalk, just outside of the building that houses the non-profit organization that has been taking care of me for the past eleven months.
"So, why are you so attracted to him?" She says.
"Can I be crude?"
She smiles. "Sure."
"Because he's handsome and smart and charming and has a big dick."
She laughs as she says, "There are other big dicks out there."
"So, why are you so attracted to him?" She says.
"Can I be crude?"
She smiles. "Sure."
"Because he's handsome and smart and charming and has a big dick."
She laughs as she says, "There are other big dicks out there."
Engl 201C Essay Number One
"Part of that indifference sprang from my experience that often sex was stale and predictably boring and unpleasant. The large men would barrel on top of me, panting in a dog-like display of sloppy pleasure and tongues wagging in a pagan prayer, eyes pressed closed or held stupidly in a blank stare, thrusting and pounding like swinging hammers on the marbled statute spine of Venus, coming only to awareness after they’ve spoiled their sticky mess all over my bottom and soiled the sheets."
--"Mania's Merry-Go-Round," by Jae Jagger
Thursday, March 2, 2017
Quality of English Professors
I showed up to my Engl 201C professor's office two days in a row, once to ask about the prospects at teaching university level English, and then again to ask about how he liked my paper.
He praised my paper, and then handed it back to me.
"I was planning on writing about my first john," I say, watching his face closely. "Now, if anything like this offends you, let me know."
He replied of course not, and then proceeded to tell me about other students who have come forward with true stories of war and also of sexual assault and abuse. He stops suddenly, and says, "I'm sorry. Have I offended you?"
I had to reach up and wipe away a tear in my eye. "No...no. I'm just getting a little misty." I have been surprised at the level of quality professors in the English division at the community college. All of them so far have been very helpful and willing to go above and beyond the call of duty. I called my poetry professor on his cellphone because I was doing homework, and I didn't understand one of his study questions. Instead of pointing the finger at me for not comprehending the material, he apologized and said that maybe the question was unclear.
He praised my paper, and then handed it back to me.
"I was planning on writing about my first john," I say, watching his face closely. "Now, if anything like this offends you, let me know."
He replied of course not, and then proceeded to tell me about other students who have come forward with true stories of war and also of sexual assault and abuse. He stops suddenly, and says, "I'm sorry. Have I offended you?"
I had to reach up and wipe away a tear in my eye. "No...no. I'm just getting a little misty." I have been surprised at the level of quality professors in the English division at the community college. All of them so far have been very helpful and willing to go above and beyond the call of duty. I called my poetry professor on his cellphone because I was doing homework, and I didn't understand one of his study questions. Instead of pointing the finger at me for not comprehending the material, he apologized and said that maybe the question was unclear.
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
Morpheus Speaks After Months of Silence
Sometimes, I don't know why I do the things I do, which is probably a common human experience. I have been sending Morpheus a TXT-message about every week to two weeks, depending. And I called him about a month ago. It has been nothing but silence. Yesterday, I sent him one while I was studying at the computer lab on campus, saying similiar to "Just TXT-message me to let me know you're okay." I waited a few minutes, and didn't receive a response. I dream about him frequently, he's always some distorted figure in some way, and often his wife (ex?) is included.
That evening I was carrying on a short conversation with Harry via TXT-message when I received two messages back to back. I opened the window to view Harry's message, and saw that he only sent one. The messaging app displayed that I had one from Morpheus, even though it's been months since I've heard anything, he said something along the lines of, "hey, yea, everything is good."
If a friend asked me if he should stop TXT-messaging an ex every two weeks for months without an answer, I would probably tell him to quit it. After all, silence is an answer. But I can't take my own best advice.
And what kind of disturbed person can't let go of a failed relationship?
Well, you're looking at her.
That evening I was carrying on a short conversation with Harry via TXT-message when I received two messages back to back. I opened the window to view Harry's message, and saw that he only sent one. The messaging app displayed that I had one from Morpheus, even though it's been months since I've heard anything, he said something along the lines of, "hey, yea, everything is good."
If a friend asked me if he should stop TXT-messaging an ex every two weeks for months without an answer, I would probably tell him to quit it. After all, silence is an answer. But I can't take my own best advice.
And what kind of disturbed person can't let go of a failed relationship?
Well, you're looking at her.
Just Say No to Staring
Outside of the classroom, he strokes my back, and then says, "It's been a long time."
I immediately think, don't fucking touch me, but I give a soft laugh, "It's been what? Twenty-four hours?"
He stares at me intently, like he's just gazing at my face without interpreting the words. He gives no indication if his previous comment was joking or serious. "I was wondering if I could get your number and take you out to eat sometime."
I pause, which gives me away. But eventually I agree to meet him for coffee because while I don't initially like him, it's hard to defend my opinion since I know so little about him. He was just a student in the back of the class, and now he's crept up to sit behind me. We've had maybe two, brief conversations, certainly not enough evidence to conclude that he's a creep. But I still get that unsettled feeling. I wonder what about me it was today to call such attention to myself. I'm wearing a plain white sweater with my usual jeans and boots. Why did he notice me at all?
He buys me a cup of coffee, which I appreciate because the coffee stand only takes cash, and I didn't have any on me. I was feeling drowsy from the Norco.
"Okay, well, I'll see you tomorrow," I say, thinking we have class together the next day. "Oh, I don't mean tomorrow."
"Yeah, we could meet tomorrow," he replies.
I immediately think, don't fucking touch me, but I give a soft laugh, "It's been what? Twenty-four hours?"
He stares at me intently, like he's just gazing at my face without interpreting the words. He gives no indication if his previous comment was joking or serious. "I was wondering if I could get your number and take you out to eat sometime."
I pause, which gives me away. But eventually I agree to meet him for coffee because while I don't initially like him, it's hard to defend my opinion since I know so little about him. He was just a student in the back of the class, and now he's crept up to sit behind me. We've had maybe two, brief conversations, certainly not enough evidence to conclude that he's a creep. But I still get that unsettled feeling. I wonder what about me it was today to call such attention to myself. I'm wearing a plain white sweater with my usual jeans and boots. Why did he notice me at all?
He buys me a cup of coffee, which I appreciate because the coffee stand only takes cash, and I didn't have any on me. I was feeling drowsy from the Norco.
"Okay, well, I'll see you tomorrow," I say, thinking we have class together the next day. "Oh, I don't mean tomorrow."
"Yeah, we could meet tomorrow," he replies.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)