Final Nail, Part XXVI

Imaginary conversation with an imaginary female psychotherapist:

"Maybe you're in denial," the therapist starts. She holds her pen by balancing it between two fingers. "It's very hard to face relationship loss."

"Well, you could say I was in denial from the beginning. It would have been obvious to most people in the beginning that he wasn't filing for divorce, that he wasn't doing the things he said he was going to do, and that I just ignored it because I didn't want to face the truth. We didn't go anywhere, we didn't do anything. I mean, that would have been an indication that he was hiding me from his life, but nope, I didn't want to deal with that...People told me I was being stupid, to believe him, but nope, I didn't listen to them either...I was in love."

"So, what can we take away from this? What have you learned?"

"I don't think I've learned anything. People don't learn when it comes to interpersonal relationships. They just make the same fucking mistakes, over and over again."

"Well, I'm not sure that's true. That's why you're in therapy, right? To gain perspective, and hopefully make different choices in the future?"

"You obviously didn't read the 'Dirty John' Series in the Los Angeles Times. I mean, that lady--"

"Huh?"

"She found the most fucked up men, and got involved with them, married them, and repeatedly put her life and her daughter's life at risk...."

"Well, maybe you will excel where she failed."

"Doubtful. Really, really doubtful."

The Heartbeat...Is Denial

"When our reality is too ugly, we deny reality. It is too painful to look at. Reality is too hard to accept.

Mental health experts routinely say that denial is among the most common defense mechanisms. Denial is how the person defends his superior sense of self..."

--by Ibram X. Kendi, The New York Times, "The Heartbeat of Racism is Denial"

Final Nail, Part XXV

I only have one picture of Morpheus that doesn't come from his ex-wife's Facebook page.

Today, I bought a $316 locket necklace, and used the company's website to minimize a picture of Morpheus to put inside (also made one of my dog, and have considered just using Beck's photo with the other side just saying, "Forever Beck" instead of holding onto an ex and his likeness). The picture of him isn't very good, it's from May of 2016, and it's dark and he's wearing a hat. While we were seeing each other, I never thought to take pictures.

I don't wear jewelry either, and I don't know what I'm going to do if random strangers (and/or family members) ask to see inside the locket. How do you explain that you're wearing around your neck some ghost of Christmas past? Or that you're so lonely, the most important person in your life, who you want to remember literally everytime you touch your neck--happens to be a dog?

More of the Same: Pain

"I almost left my wife for you," Morpheus told me one of the last times we saw each other.

We're always standing in the kitchen, even though there is a large couch a few feet away. Maybe because we're less likely to have sex in the kitchen.

I don't remember this. I don't remember him ever saying, "I want to leave [The Ex-Wife] for you," but then again, I've lost most of my memories of us due to the ECT. I do recall sitting in his truck, probably the Denali, and he's holding my hand. They had gotten into a fight, and he found me. Something happened, we exchanged words, and I stomped off. How was I supposed to know that we'd never have the conversation again? I don't remember the words, just the feelings. If he was going to leave the Wife, then what stopped him? Over time, I've simply assumed that it was the uncertainty of the future with me. How could we possibly know that we would be a successful couple considering the circumstances? He could leave one woman, only to hate the next even more.

But if I had known that day--how important that conversation was--I would have stayed in the truck, and talked to him. I would have figured something out. I would have been more reasonable (although I don't have any proof that I wasn't being reasonable to begin with). Of course, common sense says that even if he separated from his wife on that very day, and somehow we moved in together, then it is at all possible we would have grown to hate each other or he would have resented me for ending his marriage. Unforunately for me and most of the known world, in romantic relationships, we take those kind of chances all the time. Except, well, I never have (Okay, I moved to New Jersey to be with my first boyfriend, but after that, I really haven't gone to great lengths to maintain any romantic relationship).

I really only have two regrets when it comes to Morpheus: that day in the truck, and then the day I lost my mind (blooming into a psychotic episode), and told the Wife about my affair with her husband. Besides that, I did what was in my power to do, and I couldn't expect myself to pull all the weight of the relationship. Morpheus had to give a little. He would have to sacrifice. Therapists over the years have forgiven me for telling the then-Wife, saying that I did both of them a favor (something I've never agreed with).

The bad overwhelmed the good, as I tried explaining to Morpheus during our last email exchange. As much as I loved (love) him, and as happy as I was just to be with him or to hear his voice, it never made up for the icy months of disconnect, worry and pain. It never made up for the fact that daily, he chose to be with another woman. The LSU Professor will say that about the love of his life, Greta, he will tell you that there was a lot of bad mixed in there too, not even counting the break up. But he's never found anyone to replace her.

Final Nail, Part XXIV

Do you think this is appropriate?

[Morpheus, second email from Jan 10]

I thought he was flirting with me, like saying, "Are you wearing any panties?"

The Results Are In

Last semester, I received four A's. In World Literature, in Government, in US History, and in Creative Writing. My GPA at the community college is now over a 3.4.

Final Nail, Part XXIII

Another imaginary session with the imaginary female psychotherapist. She taps her pen on her notepad.

"Maybe he made up this woman to make me feel small and jealous."

She leans back in her chair slightly. "Even if he did, he said that he didn't want you to contact him anymore."

"But what if, he made her up so I would continue chasing him, and that way he's in control. He's always in control if he dictating when we speak to each other."

She crosses her legs, and swivels a little in the chair. "Maybe you should take a surface level reading on this. You can cause yourself great anxiety trying to read between the lines."

"Why else would he describe his sex life that he had with his ex-wife? How many times per week they did it? Why else would he tell me about these women who will come over at a moment's notice? That they tell him how handsome he is?"

"Maybe it's just hard for you to accept that this is officially over. That he wants to continue his life with this woman, and leave you behind."She reaches up and smoothes over her hair. "I really think you should respect his wishes."

"Oh, I will. Definitely. I won't contact him, but--"