More of the Same: Pain

"I almost left my wife for you," Morpheus told me one of the last times we saw each other.

We're always standing in the kitchen, even though there is a large couch a few feet away. Maybe because we're less likely to have sex in the kitchen.

I don't remember this. I don't remember him ever saying, "I want to leave [The Ex-Wife] for you," but then again, I've lost most of my memories of us due to the ECT. I do recall sitting in his truck, probably the Denali, and he's holding my hand. They had gotten into a fight, and he found me. Something happened, we exchanged words, and I stomped off. How was I supposed to know that we'd never have the conversation again? I don't remember the words, just the feelings. If he was going to leave the Wife, then what stopped him? Over time, I've simply assumed that it was the uncertainty of the future with me. How could we possibly know that we would be a successful couple considering the circumstances? He could leave one woman, only to hate the next even more.

But if I had known that day--how important that conversation was--I would have stayed in the truck, and talked to him. I would have figured something out. I would have been more reasonable (although I don't have any proof that I wasn't being reasonable to begin with). Of course, common sense says that even if he separated from his wife on that very day, and somehow we moved in together, then it is at all possible we would have grown to hate each other or he would have resented me for ending his marriage. Unforunately for me and most of the known world, in romantic relationships, we take those kind of chances all the time. Except, well, I never have (Okay, I moved to New Jersey to be with my first boyfriend, but after that, I really haven't gone to great lengths to maintain any romantic relationship).

I really only have two regrets when it comes to Morpheus: that day in the truck, and then the day I lost my mind (blooming into a psychotic episode), and told the Wife about my affair with her husband. Besides that, I did what was in my power to do, and I couldn't expect myself to pull all the weight of the relationship. Morpheus had to give a little. He would have to sacrifice. Therapists over the years have forgiven me for telling the then-Wife, saying that I did both of them a favor (something I've never agreed with).

The bad overwhelmed the good, as I tried explaining to Morpheus during our last email exchange. As much as I loved (love) him, and as happy as I was just to be with him or to hear his voice, it never made up for the icy months of disconnect, worry and pain. It never made up for the fact that daily, he chose to be with another woman. The LSU Professor will say that about the love of his life, Greta, he will tell you that there was a lot of bad mixed in there too, not even counting the break up. But he's never found anyone to replace her.