The Questionable Conclusion, Part III

"I've been doing horrible since [Morpheus] and I had that conversation," I tell my imaginary female therapist. "I've been so fatigued, feeling like there's lead in my limbs. I talked to my doctors at Stanford, and they don't know what's going on. They don't know if it's the fibromyalgia or depression coming back. I missed a week of my morning's English classes. I've just been completely unmotivated to do anything...I've just been so stressed out about this microbiology class because I want an A in it. I need an A. I've never been able to manage an A in a college-level biology course, and I'm trying to decide if I want to get a medical research degree or if I just want to study English and then teach...I have my locket, I've been wearing it, but there are no pictures inside...I've been in a lot of pain, and some days, there are just not enough pills in the world to get rid of it. At least not the kind of pills I can get my hands on. And the pain isn't at that point yet where I can go to the ER. Somedays I just want to go back to dancing, and spinning on a pole, and getting naked for money, although I'm not sure that would make me happy either...I sent a TXT-message to [the English instructor] because I realized after surfing through the English classes this semester that he's not teaching. I don't know where he went. I probably should have just left him alone." I pause and come back to the subject of Morpheus. "Maybe I just missed some really big hints that [Morpheus] gave me. Maybe I got it all wrong. He wrote in one of those emails, 'you know I'm in a relationship.' He never said that. He said he was having casual relations with some girls, but that none of it was serious. He even went as far to say that he wasn't interested in getting to know any of them. He was numb to them. It was like he was talking to someone else. I just had this weird feeling that he wasn't even talking to me. I think all I'm trying to do is figure out why he was being so mean, find a reason for his behavior. It's more about that than it's about keeping a relationship with him."