Final Nail, Part XVI

I guess this is the part in the story where one of my well meaning friends tells me that if I don't let this go, then I will never find another man, ever, much less be happy.

But I know my friends won't say that because most of them have a Morpheus who runs around in the back of their mind, and they have never been able to move on either. They are just getting better at hiding it.

I swing from wanting him to find happiness (and if this woman makes him happy, I can't judge) to wanting him to only desire me (in whatever way that looks like). Like he'll wake up one morning, look around at his bedroom, and say to himself that he loves me the most, despite all these years, and that he has to be with me forever.

And then, I swing over to angry mode. Like I could never forgive him for the times he cancelled at the last minute, and we didn't get to see each other. Like the months he just ignored me. Like all the pain he's caused me. How could I love such a person when virtually everyone in my life has told me the exact same thing: he's using you. Even the LSU Professor said it finally just before we stopped talking to each other.

This last exchange that Morpheus and I had, I felt like he was squashing a bug under his heel. And that I had to stand up for myself, if the only way to do that was to lash out back. We're not supposed to want to hurt people, especially people we love, but sometimes we do it anyway. I could have quietly submitted to whatever he had to say, but I wanted to fight back. No, I'm not a bug, no, you can't push me around, I always knew what you were, I always knew what our relationship was, I never lied to myself and thought it was more than it was, no, you are not the center of happiness for me, no, you are the chasm of ugly feelings and insecurities, you made me feel like I wasn't good enough, like I was a piece of shit, and for whatever reason, I always agreed with you. I was a piece of shit, which is why when you treated me like dirt, I always allowed it. You just snuck into my feelings of worthlessness, and exploited it. You could smell my weakness like a lion can smell the wound of prey. And you got what you wanted, until you didn't want it anymore.