"I figured it out, figured it completely out," I say as I get up off the imaginary couch, and start to pace the room. "The whole email thing with [Morpheus]."
"What did you figure out?" The imaginary female therapist asks.
"Okay, did I ever tell you about my ex-boyfriend [Dirk]?"
"No."
"Well, I gave up everything for him. I move to New Jersey to be with him. I left my job, I sold my horse, I gave my dog to my mother. I mean, everything, and after we broke up, a year later, we were best friends. He was a way better friend than [the LSU Professor] could ever be. I mean, I could call [Dirk], night or day, drunk or sober, and he would talk to me. But when he got his new girlfriend, he said that she was jealous, and that he couldn't talk to me. This happened years later, so I stopped talking to him. He said that she was the one, so I respected that, and let go of him. Today, he's gone. I called his cell phone, his parent's house, his Facebook account is closed, no trace of him, nothing, I can't even get in touch with his parents. I think he might be dead because he had heart failure even when we were together. So, anyway, the guy just disappeared from my life because of this controlling bitch of a girlfriend, not that I ever told him that to his face, mind you. I miss my friend, every day."
"What does this have to do with [Morpheus]?"
"Okay, remember how the conversation started with 'how do I contact you'? I mean, wasn't that odd?" I pause. "Here's the thing, this new woman, she has access to his email account because it's on his phone, and she's snooped through it. He wrote those subsequent emails so she would believe that he doesn't want anything to do with me. The end. And the first email, the 'how do I contact you' was genuine, he was asking in case he wants to call me at some later point."
"So, why hasn't he called you then?"
"Why hasn't [Dirk] called me at some point in the past seven years? I don't know. Dirk isn't an asshole. He's the truest friend I've ever had. Maybe he just figured it was easiest not to call. I think that's why I'm blocked on [Morpheus]'s phone even though he never said to stop calling him, even though I never called him with any frequency because on the iPhone, if you block someone, there's no record of a blocked person ever making a call, unlike my Galaxy where it says on the home screen, 'blocked caller so-n-so.' Obviously, I've done research on this. I think she saw some woman calling him, and got curious. I don't think he would admit to knowing me voluntarily because then he would have to explain how we met, and when....I think this might also explain why when I called him the last couple of times from my parents' home phone he pretended not to know who I was, because maybe she was standing right there. Of course, that doesn't quite answer why he didn't just ignore the call--"
"Maybe you need to take a break from this, step back--"
"You know, I've been thinking about this. We're learning in social psychology class about how much other people affect us in our lifetimes, and I've realized that other people in everyone's lives affect them as much as they affect me in mine, it's just that I'm more aware of it. I don't needlessly obsess over an ex-boyfriend or if you want to call him an ex-lover, I just understand better the ways in which he's influenced me and my psyche. The way [Dirk] has or even break up with [The LSU Professor]. That has its advantages and its disadvantages, right? Does that make me crippled? Ill?" I sit back down on the couch again, and put my head in my hands. "I know [Dirk] loves me, but I also know that he was never in love with me, and I was okay with that because I was never in love with him. That was partially why I was willing to let go of him, and wanted him to be with someone who could make him happy. I also know that the most likely scenario is that [Morpheus] doesn't give a flying fuck about me, that he never thinks about me, and that he flipped his fucking switch writing that email, and wanted to hurt me, and push me away because he no longer feels entertained by me. And that I am coming up with these crazy theories so I don't have to face the fact that the love of my life doesn't love me back. I can accept that. But, maybe, I'm just human--and I don't want to believe the whispers in my head--at least not today--"
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