"Why do you think he rejected you?" The imaginary female therapist asks.
I rest my chin in my hands. "Because I'm fat."
"Because you're fat?"
"I know. It doesn't make much sense. He rejected me plenty when I was thinner, but I'm surprised he didn't put that in one of those emails. '[Jae], you know you got fat, and I just don't want that...' "
"Maybe he didn't notice?"
"He noticed, okay? Everyone notices, and [Morpheus] notices everything. Some people are just more polite than others, and don't say anything."
"Have you thought maybe he didn't care about that?"
"He cares. Every man cares. Every woman cares even more. There are men, of course, who prefer plus-sized women, but I don't think he's one of them...In stupid social psychology class, we're learning about attraction and physical appearance, like your average young adult needs more to be insecure about. And that beauty is programmed from birth. Little babies know. You respond to beauty, and you are either beautiful or not. What kind of fucked up shit is that to tell a class of eighteen year olds?"
"You said you had lost some weight. Five pounds right?"
"Yes, and I gained it back, plus three more. So, really, I hit a new record, the most I've ever weighed in my life a few days ago. I have this app on my phone where I record my weight, and every time I put in a number that is higher than the first weight ever recorded, it shows up in red, and there's this upward slope on the graph. So, not only am I not losing weight, but I'm actually slowing gaining weight still. Encouraging, right?"
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