Freud Just Rolled Over in His Grave

 

I think I just felt Freud rolling over in his grave.

 

It’s called transference, and it’s common, and I assume that in different circumstances, it would be talked about in therapy. The assumption would be that if it came out into the open, the feelings would be dealt with, the emotions would be understood as a product of therapy and then the person could move on.

 

I made a promise with myself that I wouldn’t tell a soul (besides Harry) as long as my secret didn’t affect my healing progress and process. As long as I could work with Dr. IP. If I went into detail about all Dr. IP’s duties at Stanford, it would be identifying characteristics, but he is an important person at the psychiatric hospital. He has a great career.

 

If you conclude that it’s transference, it takes for granted that there’s nothing particularly special about Dr. IP. I will say one thing. I’ve know Dr. IP for many years, and only recently admitted to myself that I was attracted to him, and then later realized that I had romantic feelings for him. I’ve always been a little nervous around him, but I am that way around a lot of doctors. Physicians wield a lot of power around this place.

 

I’ve also had a lot of male psychiatrists over the years, and have felt very little for them as well. Probably an exception to that would be my first psychiatrist, who I care for deeply, but was not attracted to nor romantically inclined. He was just a wonderful person despite his weird faults (he did, almost or closely, admit to being attracted to me). My feelings towards my outpatient psychiatrist borders on frustration and anger.

 

Is it only transference? Perhaps. But it is rather sad to fall in love with someone who can never love you back.