Mostly I struggle about what to put into those emails. How can I remain unique in a large pool of patients? What about me makes me special?
So, yes, I remain frozen while sitting down with IP, and I have a hard time expressing myself verbally, but what about the written word? It was for this reason that I asked to be able to write him instead. (Dr. IP says that he never noticed me "freezing," but I think he was just being polite)
My essay answering the initial questions regarding my stay, asked by the team, that I sent to IP had its intended effect--better treatment, more empathy from my doctor(s), etc. In a Stanford world full of massive brains, photographic memories and grade books full of straight A's and SAT scores of 1600's, I might only be able to stand out by my writing. There are great writers at Stanford, I'm not saying I'll stand out there with them; one fine example is Daniel Mason, who I greatly admire. I'm only saying that to make myself known, maybe my best avenue is writing.
I'm currently listening to the AudioBook called Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, and it is currently discussing how much we need as individuals to be understood.
I am grieving and going through massive amount of emotions, and no one, short of Harry, knows what's going on. And James is having a field day with all this shit. He thinks it's all hilarious.
At times, I am hiding from even myself. I have often considered if I'm just focusing on my romantic feelings for IP as another way of not coming to closure for Morpheus. However, coming to realization that I do have feelings for IP took a long time. Months, years. I've always been attracted to him, always gotten those feelings inside my stomach whenever I saw him, yes, yes and yes.
In short, no one is understanding me because no one knows what the fuck is going on with me. I'll try to explain to IP in an email as best I can without giving myself away, but fuck--it reminds me of that game Twister. Only I'm playing with different versions of myself.
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