IP and I were in the conference room, alone to ourselves. He was talking with his head turned upward, seemingly staring at the ceiling, “So, I was thinking about you saying whether or not you should be in the hospital because the voices were getting worse…if it was something about being in the hospital is making the voices more intense or more frequent?” His gaze settled back on me. “We did name a couple of factors like [the psychologist] leaving…can you think of anything else that might be bothering you?”
I lied because I couldn’t envision us anywhere but here, in this room, I couldn’t see us in any other situation. There was too much of a divide between patient and doctor. Then the question becomes, did I ever affect him as a doctor? Was he ever swayed by me as a patient? Did I ever jostle him a little bit as he left the room? Just a little bit?
All in all, the man scares the shit out of me. What to make of that fear? I spent most of my day in anticipation of meeting with him for only a few moments out of the day, and then I can relax afterwards into the late afternoon. What is so terrorizing? Just a fear of intimacy?
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