The English Dilemma

"I'm sure you've turned in a paper where you said, 'this isn't my best work but...,' " the English instructor tells me during office hours last week. He is talking about his essay on inclusive classrooms for which he recently received an "A+." I read it, and while I prefer other works of his, his essay was excellent--hence the A.

This is a debate I'm currently having with myself. If I am to continue as an English major, either at the University where I was previously attending or another university like in the UC system, I will constantly be faced with critiques of my writing, constantly listening to criticisms (some of which I never agree with), and meeting head on with my shortcomings as a writer. Is it really worth all the trouble when the vast majority of my life, my creative writing has just been for myself, and a few other self-selective readers (on a blog, if someone doesn't like my entries, he/she just never comes back)? Do I even want to try to be published when I will likely receive rejections and negative feedback?

This is not to say that I don't endure praise on my essays. However, it comes laced with an acidic potion--always there is something faulty somewhere that can be improved upon. I told the English instructor on one of the last days of Engl 156 last semester, that I would never receive an 30/30 because he would always find "something wrong." Ironically, I would learn weeks later that he gave me a perfect score on my research paper. However, even then, he still had his doubts, and marked the essay as such.

Since the dawn, I have used my writing as therapy, for a way to explain all the horrible and enlightening events in my life--and all the engrossing people who I have met along the way. It has been mine, whereas in other aspects of my life, I have disgraced myself or bartered myself, collapsing under worldly pressures. To turn writing into a machine that fixates on a single goal (an A on the heading) is destructively limiting myself. In other words, to whore oneself out for grades.

Probably a few professors wouldn't agree with this, and would simply argue that criticism improves writing, not hinders it. I recently read an article on how to become an expert in something, and the writer noted that not only must you practice to become truly outstanding in an area, but you must extend yourself into the realm of being "uncomfortable" and "challenged." I write an essay, a professor, who has more education and experience than me, makes comments on my weaknesses, and therefore I have the opportunity to grow from good to great.

I see the article's point, and I don't dispute it. However, I lend to the idea that creative writing is not understood by all (professors or laymen alike), and that doesn't discount the writing itself. Just because you don't comprehend the symbolism in a paragraph doesn't mean it isn't wonderful--or inviting of true intellectual discourse.

Sometimes people just don't get it--whereas an audience of someone who has been in a psychiatric ward in a hospital will ingest and reflect upon the message completely.