Years ago before we started dating, Dirk and I talked to each other five days a week, almost without fail. In the beginning, it was emails, and then it turned into AOL instant messaging. Then, suddenly one day, he stopped coming online. Days passed, I heard nothing, not even an email. After about five days, I wrote this nasty email, saying basically that if you wanted to dump me, you should have had the decency to tell it to my (online) face. When he finally signed back on to AOL, he explained to me that he had spent the week in the hospital (he is dying slowly of heart failure). He said that he had no way to get in touch with me (because at that point, we hadn't exchanged phone numbers). To be perfectly honest, I never believed him one hundred percent. The excuse was just too convenient.
When I moved to New Jersey to be with him, about six months into our relationship, he started to vomit often. One time, we were at the mall, and he puked in the parking lot. I was at work when he went into the ER a few days later. They hospitalized him. The doctors were nice to me, even though technically, I wasn't family. I was just a girlfriend. One of the physicians discussed his case with me, and mentioned the last time he was in the hospital--that missing week of communication that happened between us.The doctors explained that he had a minor heart attack.
So, I never heard back from Morpheus about whether or not he would attend the award ceremony (the Poetry Professor told me today that my poem won first place). I decided to call him since the last time I ringed him, about six days before, it went straight to his voicemail box. At the time of the first call, I just thought that either he was asleep (it was in the morning) or in a meeting or with his kids and didn't want to be interrupted. This morning, the same thing happened: the call went directly to voicemail.
I freak out. Oh, my god, he runs his business with his cellphone! He wouldn't leave it turned off! There's something majorly wrong! Maybe he's in the hospital. I write a frantic email, explaining that his phone doesn't ring, just goes to voicemail, and to please let me know that he was okay. I left a voicemail message saying essentially the same thing.
By the time I arrive at the dog park, to walk the dog, before class, I start googling to see if I can find his home phone number (which I use to have), so that I can check to see if he's at the house, and that he's alright. When I type in his name in Google, this comes up:
[Morpheus's First and Last Name] Obituary.
Oh, my god, he's fucking dead.
I click on the link, and yes, a person (51 years old) died who had Morpheus' name. But the middle name was wrong. And, obviously, the age (Morpheus is 41, and will be 42 in June).
By this point, I'm convinced that I have to start calling hospitals, and I should drive to his house to check to make sure that he's not hanging in the shower, dead, and has been left there for days.
After class, I have an equally terrifying thought: maybe he's figured out a way to just send my call directly to voicemail. I don't even know it's possible, but I Google, and sure enough, with an iPhone, you can set up that option.
This hurts. Why would he block my calls from ringing on his phone? He told me while we were together last time that I wasn't calling him enough. It's not like I call him everyday or even every week. I usually just send a TXT-message (I don't know for sure if he hasn't turned off his notifications there too).
I was sad, and then I was angry. It took a while (and $4.99 a month) to block his cellphone. He can't call me, and he can't send me any TXT-messages.
I walked on the treadmill at physical therapy, and came up with a reply:
"So, your phone isn't turned off (could be in "Do Not Disturb" mode, but alas!), you're not in the hospital or in jail. You didn't gang [sic] yourself in the shower. You're fine...
Believe it or not, I was worried something happened to you. So worried in fact, that I was going to drive to your house to check on you, after my class. But then I googled and realized that you are purposefully sending my calls directly to voicemail...
Why? I don't know. Except for the obvious reason that you find me to be a minor inconvenience in your life...
So, likewise, you are blocked. You can't call my cellphone or send me a TXT. I didn't do this because of you, no, I did this so I wouldn't make further attempts to contact you...
If you're dying or otherwise gravely disabled, you can call the house...
If you decide that you just can't live without me and we must get married and have children together, then, sure, shoot me an email. And yes, I accept electronic proposals. Or over the phone, whatever works...
Otherwise if you just want to string me along for another ten years (this is not your fault, I allowed it), well then maybe you should just forget about me...
And you lied to me. But that's what people do. They lie. Even good people lie...Love, [Jae]"
Of course, if he is in the hospital, then that would officially make me an asshole. I hope he sees the humor and the irony in the fact that while he is convinced that I want marriage and children, I actually don't.
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