I read an article from one of the mainstream news media that said self-compassion was better for us mentally than self-esteem because if you're constantly looking to the outside to re-affirm your worth, then you will be predictably disappointed in yourself or you will grow into narcissism. Whereas with self-compassion, you learn to be kind to your own head, and to admit when you're wrong, and then forgive yourself. You can move on.
I figured that Morpheus wasn't going to be home, or if he was home, he would meet me at the door, and basically tell me to leave. Or I would take a hint, and leave on my own accord. If you look at the past, most of which I can't remember, you will realize that Morpheus has been completely incapable of planning ahead for a time we see each other. In fact, to my knowledge, it's never fucking happened (I pause because the first time we slept together--in a hotel--we might have arranged that a day or two ahead). I don't know why this is when I know he runs his own company, so he does schedule his time, and is able to fulfill obligations to be somewhere at a specific time. It's not like he's a loose cannon, just making it up as he goes along.
My mother is right (damnit), some people don't deserve our time and our efforts because there should be some minimum standard of respectability that goes on between individuals. Morpheus has asked me several times, "why are you so persistent?" It took me a while to come up with an answer. I'm not persistent. I don't treat Morpheus any differently than I do my close friends. If one of my friends went off the technological cliff, and didn't respond to my TXT-messages or emails or voicemails, and the call kept going straight to message, I would be equally freaked out. The LSU Professor and I once discussed this. He said if I didn't hear from him in a few days, then something was seriously wrong (luckily, that never happened).
But why are my emotional needs and my attachment needs so unusual? Well, I don't think they are. People who are in love want to see the person they are in love with--this is normal and to be expected. Even if you're not in love, but like someone, you want to hear from him/her.
Mostly, though, I blame myself (who else am I going to blame? Morpheus?). I assumed that Morpheus would just send me an email, saying that he couldn't see me for some real or made up reason. Then, I could say to myself, "okay, it's fucking over, move on..." But that didn't happen. Instead, I showered (even though it makes my nerve pain many, many times worse), I shaved (everything!), and put lotion on and a dress with leggings and then did my make up, and brushed my hair (I occasionally do that), and I drove to his house.
Sometimes I think to myself, "How dumb do you have to be?" (This is not self-compassion at work.) I have given Morpheus opportunity after opportunity, and yet, I've always been disappointed. He comes and goes as he pleases, even though he's single and he's not hiding this relationship from anyone (or is he?).
It took me until yesterday to realize that no matter what happened between Morpheus and I--even if he called today, and said he was sorry and that he loved me and wanted me to move in and get married, and on and on and on. Still, in the back of my mind, I'd always be wondering when is he going to fuck someone else, who is younger and possibly thinner and probably prettier--even while being committed to me? It's not fair to say that just because a person cheated in one relationship that he/she would continue that pattern on into the next relationship. However, Morpheus and I have that baggage--that history--and you can't forget about it. He lied to the most important person in his life (his wife), and then, at the same time, he lied to me too. I know this. This is what he's capable of. Is it fair to judge him? I don't know, all I know is how it plays into my insecurities that this is a person I can never trust.
In the end, being unable to trust someone (I asked the LSU Professor if he trusted Greta, the love of his life, and he said flatly without hesitation, "No.") makes you unhappy, and can ruin an otherwise good relationship. Maybe in the long run, I wouldn't be happy with Morpheus, although I always naturally assumed that we would be blissful together.
Some of these fears are cultural, and are specific to women. We are in fierce competition with each other, and we are taught that no matter how attractive we are, we run the possibility of losing our mates to someone else. We have an expiration date. Society doesn't think kindly of old women, especially those who are single. The beauty standards for women are very different than they are for men. We put way more effort into our appearance than men do. And the worst part, we're expected to do this. We don't wear make up because we like the shit--why when it's messy and expensive--we tell ourselves we're doing it for us, but if you're home on the couch, do you wear foundation? No, because you're the only one who sees you. But if you get off the couch and walk out into the outside world, well, then priorities change. What about high heels? Who exactly likes wearing something that is uncomfortable and potentially very painful?
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