Another Way to Look At It

If you really don't want this divorce, and you haven't resolved or processed your feelings for your wife...then what makes getting re-involved with me a good idea?

--last email to Morpheus

I'm ready for any answer (silence, even), including the ominous "I don't know."

What I am wanting, however, is a little more complicated. I want assurance of my value to him--some significant experience shared between us that cannot be denied or collectively put aside. That it demands attention.

In short, I want to be special--as I confessed to him in an earlier email that he was very special to me.

Human beings are famous for constructing blinders to truths that they are unable or unwilling to process. In fact some psychotherapies are attentive to this fact, and thus help individuals move beyond digested fantasies and fallacies to the greater, awaiting realities that govern ourselves and others.

I have this limitation as does anyone else. I am especially conscious of it when it comes to my involvement with Morpheus. What am I not seeing? Does he love his wife (as I accused him of being) or does he simply tolerate her because they have grown accustomed to each other through time and shared experiences (including the strong hold of parenthood)?

Furthermore, why does this affect me? And how?

And, yes, should it? At the danger of creating unsightly anxiety?

I can't live in The Wife's shadow, trailing behind her on my hands and knees. Perhaps earlier I should have asked the same questions I am proposing now--maybe that would have provided a better guide. Would I have heeded the warning at the time or would I just have blazed through despite evidence that he was not capable of being emotionally free and available?

And even if he loved me like I desired, what kind of relationship would we have?

So far, in recent email history, he has not admitted to his feelings for me, neither good nor bad. Over the last few months, I have asked over and over again if he loved me, only to get no reply.

Now, again, I am pressing the issue--trying to gain insight into his motivations for carrying on with an affair for years despite social stigma and the effect it had on his family. Surely, he must have a reason even if it is not readily evident.

Will his reasoning give me hope or harm?