A Few Last Words, Part II

If you've ever been in therapy or read an interpersonal psychology book, you know about the bad habit of mind reading, or the assumption that upon hearing another's voice or watching his/her actions, we can determine how someone feels or what he/she thinks. Often when applying such lack of skill, we get people wrong because we have our own biases that hinder our understanding of individual's motivations and/or character.

Morpheus never explicitly told me he wanted his wife back, only that he never wanted to lose his family. He never told me directly that he was still in love with his wife. I made a leap in interpretation, and as always, could be incorrect in my evaluation of the situation.

I'm all for Morpheus contacting me and telling me that I am wrong. But I don't foresee that happening.

You see, it takes two to marry, but only one to divorce. You cannot be forced to stay married (not that there may pressures to remain in the union like threats about child custody or other influences from one's family and/or church). Obviously if divorce was something he or she wanted, it would have been finalized in 2007 (or perhaps 2008). As far as I know, the papers weren't even initially filed nine years ago when Morpheus told me frankly that he was getting a divorce. If a separation was in place, The Wife probably would never have been pregnant with number three. So, two people wanted to remain married, but why?

All sorts of scenarios are possible. Couples who love each other can recognize that they are not good, not healthy staying together, and therefore need to move on. Couples who like each other, but realize that they are missing something in their lives can separate in order to pursue their version of love--and so on and so forth.

What I read about consistently is that divorce is highly traumatizing, for both patries, no matter who filed first. Morpheus wanted me to sympathize with him, ending one letter with a telling that he's going to spend a "long night of thinking and planning." He then adds at the end, "kinda sucks." I told him I did sympathsize with him, that although I couldn't fully understand his situation because I had never been through it, I did comprehend the feelings of aloneness and depression. He talks like this is something being done to him (by his wife), that of which he has no control over.

Despite recognizing the tragic nature of divorce, in which no one ever really wins, I struggle with my own emotions and prejudices. I find myself consistently angry with him, and being angry through a dumb email is not productive. I want the reputation of being well controlled and level-headed, even if this may not be the truth.