Judith Grisel in Never Enough talks about what an addict, who might be in recovery for many months, many years, may feel and experience when he/she sees a spoon in a bathroom. Flooded with the taste, the feel, the explosion of coke all through the body. Even though there is not a speck of cocaine for miles.
I see his face through video chat, his beard, the flecks of grey, how he's aged just a little bit. He smiles, and says my name.
I remember--the pull. I cannot escape the pull. The air leaves me, and I take a breath in. Lungs full. There's light, warm light, and when it's shining on me, I feel safe and happy and whole like a little baby barn animal under a heating lamp.
I can't help but feel like he got a whiff of it too, felt the old jolt to his veins, the dampness of sweat gathering on his brow, and found he preferred sobriety.
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