Tuesday, February 15, 2022

On 60mg of Ritalin [Updated]

It took me a while to figure out what was going on. The first divergence I notice was the fact that sounds were sharper, and somehow more distinct. Louder, yes. Like a migraine. At first, that's what I thought it was. The beginning of a migraine. But lights bothered me more. As if the whole hospital hallway had turned into a spotlight.

Then the people. They seemed to be crowding into me as if we were all on a jammed subway car, even if they were meters away. I couldn't explain it in any other manner. Like their breath was on my shoulder and their hair got matted in my mouth and their stinkin' and red body heat overwhelmed my cool, dainty, fragile senses. They were invading my space, and they were dangerous. People are wild, uncontrollable creatures. They can harm you at any time! That guy there can easily overpower me and rape me, doesn't anyone care? He was staring at me. He continued to gaze and lean in invitingly like he might pick me up for lunch, devour me the minute his thin domestication fails and his id takes over.

I wanted to hide in my room, and not come out, but found that was not a good solution. I put on my headphones, and listen to my audiobook, and walked the lonely hallway, up and down and up and down like sanity was just habit forming. I tried to stay away from everyone, and closer to the staff. They would help me if one of the patients tried to assault me. Even the female patients are alarming. They could loose their wits, and have fits and act out. You just can't trust anyone.

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