Ethics, Part II

Of course, as I was thinking about it one night, just before falling asleep, I remembered that towards the end of my stay in New Jersey, I would occasionally make up excuses to drive to see Dante while we were at work (at different tire stores), but while I was there, I was unable to look him in the eye, afraid that he would see how I felt about him. I'm sure that he probably interpreted that as if I was being cold. Which wasn't the truth. I was very fond of him, and attracted to him despite having a boyfriend, who I also intended to marry (but who would not marry me).

I tried to use this logic to explain why the English instructor goes out of his way to avoid looking at me, as I've written about this multiple times before. What if he was so attracted to me, he was overwhelmed?

I quickly ruled that out, because while I was a young, relatively innocent, shy twenty-one-year-old when I met Dante, the English instructor just recently turned 40 and time occasionally gives us confidence in dealing with the opposite sex (or same sex, if you're gay), and if you see him interacting with a large group, he gives no trace of modesty.

One of my fondest memories of the English instructor occurred while I was in his Engl 156 class during the summer. We were all in groups, talking to each other, and he was in the next desk over from me. I'm feeling unusually friendly, and I say to him, obviously teasing, "You know what? I think we're about the same age."

He looks at me, and smiles, "Usually when I have my class, I don't ask how old my students are." He ignores me after this.

After class, when it was just the two of us, as I'm usually the last one to pack up my bag, there's an unusual silence. We're politely avoiding conversation.

"Thirty-nine," he says while walking across the front of the room, looking down at his feet.

For a fleeting moment, I'm confused. Fucking 39? Was that like a quiz answer that I missed? Oh, that's how old he is! Older than I thought. 

But looking at him, you would have thought he revealed a dirty secret such as a foot fetish or maybe something a little more extreme like choking his partner in bed or even enjoying giving golden showers.

I just learned his age, and it felt like a hand had reached out and grasp my shoulder.