"I'll Follow You Down"

--Shinedown

"I miss you, and I care about you," Morpheus tells me.

He's lost weight, but I don't mention it because I don't want to seem critical about his body. He's still the most handsome man on the planet to me, but he appears to be a little weary and troubled.

Morpheus kept shoving one of the tacos towards me, telling me, "Eat this. I don't want to eat by myself."

"There is no way you can manipulate me into eating that," I respond. I push it back.

I watch as he gingerly bites into the taco, never making a mess. He eats like he goes out to restaurants often for his meals. It reminds me of my mother who commented that my table manners were excellent because for most of my young life, I ate my meals away from home. For her birthday, we went to an expensive Italian place, and the bill was over $200. She whispered to me during, "Take smaller bites!" For my birthday, we went to a less expensive Italian restaurant, which both Mom and Dad said was just as good as the previous place. While I was eating my pasta, Mom whispered to me again, scolding, "Eat smaller bites!" One of the bad things about being an adult offspring and living with your parents is the fact that they still boss you around like you're twelve.

"Where is that sassiness you had as a dancer?" He asks me. "Now, I'm not saying you should go back to stripping, but confidence is sexy."

"A lot of that has to do with my illness," I respond. "They put me on a medication that the biggest side effect was weight gain. So, I gained a lot of weight, and now, I'm working out an hour and a half a day to lose it." There's no fucking way I'd ever strip without losing fifty pounds. And even then, I'd want to be smaller. "I've been in and out of hospitals multiple times per year for years. You can't do that and hold down a job or go to school or be in a relationship." I can't tell what he's thinking by the way he's looking at me. I know that he doesn't understand--so few people do. But having a serious mental illness is like being gutted. You lose the essence of you. Who you are without the disease. All the things you're capable of becoming. You lose sight of the future, and believe it will never come, you will only be destined to repeat this same, horrible day over and over again into eternity.