Normally, the voices I hear (called auditory hallucinations) don't comment on my romantic relationships. They are usually fixated on me killing myself or telling me that I'm going to die.
This morning, I hear a voice who said, "You need to just let him go."
I woke up this morning feeling like shit--hurt and ashamed, and knowing there isn't much I can do. You see, last night, I called Morpheus because my father told me he was buying tickets to see this very famous country western singer, and he wanted to know how many to buy. I told my father that just before he mentioned going to the concert, I had TXT-messaged a friend, asking him if he wanted to go (that would be Morpheus).
So, I decided to call Morpheus just one last time if he wanted to go with us. Regrettably, I was intoxicated, a little mixture of Norco, a muscle relaxer, and a glass of wine (I ended up falling asleep around nine pm) since starting weight training, my back and muscles have really begun to hurt after my workout.
For whatever reason, he answered, saying, "This is [Morpheus]."
"Hi, it's [Jae]."
"Oh, hey, I just stepped out of the shower, literally I'm dripping."
"I called just to ask you if you wanted to go with me to the [famous country singer] concert, I figured you might be going with your friends." I don't care for country music made after the late 1990's.
He told me, yes, he was going with other friends, that they had been planning on it for a very long time. He also said, "Hey? Can I call you back?"
"Yeah, whenever you want to."
"Okay, I will call you back." He hangs up.
But I left out the most important part of the conversation. In response to that exchange, I left him a voicemail message this morning that I feel is appropriate and rational, considering the circumstances:
"So, when we were talking yesterday, you mentioned, 'She will be here any minute,' using the pronoun 'she.' And you didn't call me back.
"I don't know if this is fair to you, but it's how I feel. I didn't want you to see this woman because that time could be spent with just the two of us. I feel like I'm always in last place when it comes to how you manage your time. First, it was [the ex-Wife], now it's undisclosed twenty-something's. I'm always last, and it's something I can't deal with. It hurts me. And I don't know if I can realistically be your friend because I'm jealous. Not because of whether you're having sex or not having sex, but I'm jealous that your attention is on other women, and I feel like more should be rationed towards me now that you're newly single.
"I can't be in your life because I can't handle feeling like I don't matter to you. And I wish I didn't care who you spent your time with, but I do care. I wish it was me.
"I'm sorry that I can't be there for you more. I'm sorry I want something from you that you just won't give. And I want you to know that I want you to be happy with someone, whomever she may be.
"It hurts me, and I feel like I deserve better than how you treat me, even if it was just coming from a male friend of mine. I deserve to have people in my life whom want to spend time with me because they see how valuable I am. You don't show me that I'm valuable to you. You don't treat me like I'm special to you. I am special, and my friends are special to me.
"I use to feel like I wanted you in my life no matter what the capacity, but I see now that that's not an option anymore. I need to set healthy boundaries that I want. I have to do what's right for me." I hang up (the reason why I have direct quotes of the message is because I wrote it down before I said it).
Intellectually, I don't even believe in monogamy because I've seen too many people who are profoundly unhappy being in an exclusive relationship, whether married or not. Many of these people find others whom they love but are unable to be with because they are married or otherwise unemotionally available. As I've said before, I don't know if there is a cure for this. But more people have to accept that you are going to love, fall in love with multiple people throughout your lifetime (at least, the odds say you will), and how to you respect those desires or wishes and not be an asshole?
I'm not disregarding the attraction of having at least one secure relationship outside of your family which becomes a new part of your family. People thrive with this, which may explain why life expectancy and health is better for people whom are married. People may thrive in this situation even if they are not particularly thrilled with their relationship. Even if they wish for something or someone more. We make compromises.
I guess I was surprised that I found myself jealous about whatever Morpheus is doing (or who he's doing). It's not fair of me to slut shame anyone because it goes against my beliefs, and as the LSU Professor so astutely said the last time we met, I've "slept with a bunch of men." So, slut shaming another slut? No exactly fair. I believe that people should experience as much or as little of sex as they want. That wanting to sleep with a bunch of people isn't in and of itself unhealthy. In fact, sleeping with different people helps you realize what you want from a sexually relationship, and definitely what you don't want (since you're more likely to find the latter than the former).
But I'm jealous anyway. Do I want a monogamous relationship with someone? I really can't answer that question because I just don't really know. I know that I would never want my partner "to settle" with me, I would never want a partner who committed to me, but was madly in love with someone else, whom he designated as being less "socially appropriate." We all live in the kingdom of our fears and insecurities (I've written about this before). How do we find happiness within ourselves enough to trust that someone else will love us and want to be with us? How do we see that there's something worth loving to begin with?
My avoidance of relationships really comes down to only one thing. I know for a short while (like most people), I can probably be charming and attractive, but I rarely see any good I could do in a relationship in the following months or even years because of my illness. I'm a ticking time bomb. It's not a matter of if, but when I will become seriously ill again. My psychiatric disorder could kill even the best relationship.
I can't even honestly say that if Morpheus called my bluff, and told me he wanted to commit to me that this would somehow make me happy (for the short term, I'm sure it would). But he doesn't understand my illness, not at all, and how would he react if it came in between the two of us?
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