On the Saturday of finals' week, I sent the English instructor my final draft for my essay on the opioid epidemic, in which I was allowed to write about my own personal experience with an opioid overdose. I never heard back that he had received the paper, which I thought was odd.
And then, days passed, and I still didn't hear from him. On Christmas, I sent him a "Merry Christmas" greeting, with the added note that maybe he didn't celebrate Christmas (not all of us do). Nothing back.
A week goes by, and I assume at this point that I will never hear from him again. Maybe I wasn't the only one who felt that our last exchange was uncomfortable (although he gave no indication of this).
Yesterday, I was getting ready to write a critical entry on how the English instructor won't be my friend because I'm a woman, close to his age (which, I believe, makes total sense as to why he handles me icily--while he is very attuned to a woman's trials in this world, I would dare call him a "feminist," he still treats me like I am a woman). Alas, he sent me an email that very morning.
With my married, male friends, I defy the stereotype that friends of opposite gender can't be authentic to each other--that there can't be real exchanges and true closeness. The topic of sex may come up, but usually everyone agrees that it's better to be platonic friends (for reasons that are obvious).
It would be "backward" (as I see it) to believe that men and women can't be companions to each other without the complications of sex.
Unfortunately, weeks ago, the LSU Professor and I got into a major argument over the "what if's" when it came to the English instructor that lasted for at least fourteen or more days. The LSU Professor was ardently against me sleeping with the English instructor because he is my professor, and my physical involvement with him could jeopardize my grade. If the English instructor was single and had no children, to be honest, my grade would be the least of my concerns. The LSU Professor thought this was foolish on my apart.
I argued that the fact that he's married with not two or three or four, but five kids should stop any woman from sleeping with him (besides his wife, of course), and never has the English instructor brought up the idea that his marriage is open.
We fought more over a situation which would never arise. The LSU Professor, however, remained concerned that I would risk my academic future for a quick roll in the hay. I finally agreed that I would not have sex with any of my professors, and the LSU Professor seemed satisfied with this answer, and the subject got dropped.
So, yes, my motivations for being "friends" with the English instructor are not entirely innocent, but I tell myself that I'm mature enough to not hit on him in hopes for sex. I've only been attracted to two men since Morpheus and I broke up a few years ago, and the English instructor happens to be one of them (the other is a prominent doctor at Stanford who is not only charming and good looking, but also very caring about my case). I really don't see myself fucking either one.
Can you be friends with someone who you're attracted to? I guess that depends on whether or not you fall in love with him/her. If you can realistically separate out your feelings, and deal with them by yourself.
It's easier to write it out than to follow your own rules. After finals' night for Engl 201A, I got drunk, the first time in months (even though I had another final the very next morning). I was upset, some of which was about the English instructor, and some of which was about Morpheus. It's hard to tell people that you are hysterical because you won't be in class anymore with--at least one--of your favorite professors. He won't be there, and you'll be forced to face an uncertain future by yourself. That you, perhaps, could be forgotten as many faceless, nameless students pass through Engl 156 and Engl 201A. And that Morpheus, who is technically separated, is just as unattainable.
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