Your Beach Body

"We regret to inform you that your beach body, slated for arrival in early June of this year, will be delayed, perhaps indefinitely. A number of factors, all under your direct control, have contributed to this unfortunate setback.

First and foremost, you are still eating a lot of food. While you have done an excellent job of including more vegetables in your diet, you have also included more of everything else, like cake. In the past month alone, you have eaten cake on eight occasions. None of which were birthday-related."

--"Your Beach Body," The New Yorker by Colin Nissan