Love is Just "Chemicals"

Written originally October 18th, 2009 at 6:58pm


When he said he wasn't in love with me, when he said this to me, as I'm sipping on a Corona at Cabo--I didn't believe him.

I wouldn't discount my instincts that quickly. In reality, of course, I never argued with him. He doesn't want me, he doesn't love me, he doesn't even like me, he wants us to be friends, he doesn't want us to be friends if I'm going to act like I have a heart and can be hurt, he doesn't know, he has heavy doubts that weigh on him, he doesn't believe I'm the right person for him, he doesn't want me to move, he does want me to move, but only if I move in--it's all very confusing to my brain--so I don't listen. I shut it out and down. I shut down.

I focus. I focus in on memories of his face, his body, his emotional energy. And I believe.

In myself, mostly. Because I only have myself. I'm all I've got. So, maybe I'm psychotic, maybe I'm delusional, maybe I was there in Vegas all by myself, and I dreamed the whole experience up. I'm not against the idea that I'm wrong or that I'm foolish or that I'm just seeing what I want to see because my ego can't take the rejection.

Because no one wakes up one morning, and thinks to himself, "Geez, yesterday, I was falling in love with this crazy girl, and now, today, I feel nothing. Amazing!"

He tells me over the phone, maybe a week later, that I don't know my feelings, they won't last long, and that love is just "chemicals."

I burst into tears. What other response is there?

He backtracks. Tells me he'd say this to anyone. Because he doesn't believe in love anymore.

Then, what the hell are you doing talking to me? What the fuck we were you doing sleeping with me?

He didn't ever think I would fall in love with him. Probably on his list on possibilities, that was somewhere down near the bottom.