Many of Which I've Already Expressed

I have many fears, anxieties and insecurities surrounding my relationship (however defined) with Morpheus, but probably the one that stands out most clearly now is my trepidation of just being used for sex by a man who is largely emotionally unavailable--and dealing with being displaced by a large gap in the power dynamic.

There are genuine, honest reasons for this fear--all of which I've documented in various journal and/or blog entries. It's not some horror film invented in my brain purely out of magic dust.

In nine years, we've never been on a single date--and naively, I assumed this would change as soon as he had separated from his wife. We'd go places, do things, and act traditionally romantic--we'd be rushed with enthusiasm, unable to contain ourselves. Unlike the tortured months of no-communication that I dealt with while he was married.

Things would be different. 

I would gladly promote, endorse his reunion with his wife if it meant that the messages and/or emails about how lonely he is, about how he's not use to being by himself, how divorce was the worst fucking thing in the world--if those stopped, I would excessively praise for them to get back together. Like the lover I am, I feel his pain and loneliness, and only seek to remedy it.

I could be there for him--or he could return to his wife--either way, he wouldn't be alone. 

I'm not a particularly selfless person--honestly there are dueling attitudes inside me, and one that rightly says, stay the fuck away from your wife, she's making you miserable! You want to move up there to be with her, why?!

I just can't stand to be witness to his depression over the situation. I want to be cheeky and clique, and tell him this is an opportunity, not a failure. But what right do I have to suggest that? It's not like I've ever been through divorce.

But as I told him in a recent email, I have been alone, sad and gaining weight. I've been in dark places, unable to rescue myself. I've suffered in many ways. I can understand suffering.

And that's what this is--suffering. On all sides--his, mine and, of course, the Wife's.