Miss Him Greatly

Mostly, I'm just trying to avoid pain.

"If he went back to his wife, but said that he could see you once a month, would you do it?" The LSU Professor proposes to me the last time we saw each other.

Until Morpheus sent me that email on Jan 26, I was in a place where, hey, I didn't think of him everyday, and I felt some sense of closure that didn't come because of anything he said or did, but because of my mental capacity for healing. I felt that he was better off with his family, with his wife, and that being with me was a mistake, and therefore I needed to just leave him alone--no more emails.

Hearing from him just inflamed all those hidden fantasies I had about us--how he was going to divorce one day, and want to be with me. How everything was just going to work out somehow.

These fantasies are still here, deep in my psyche, just waiting for a little wayward water to be thrown on them.

Morpheus told me during the last time we saw each other on September 9th that he didn't look at me as a mistake in his marriage.

He brought up the "Facebook message," referring to the one I sent to the Wife, telling her about our affair.

I replied, "I just want to apologize for doing that. I never wanted to hurt you."

He said, "Don't put that on yourself. It turned out to be a good thing."

Always the dilemma. How do you tell yourself that you should move on when you are so happy with that person and miss him greatly?