The English instructor takes time out of class to address his criticism made on all our essays (specifically to me the one I wrote about Victoria's Secret). He says, "I spend twenty to thirty minutes on each paper...you do the math." He argues that if he didn't care, our compositions would be nakedly free of correction.
I still find the process discombobulating. Here I am, ego and all, trying to write some higher art--taking the assignment one step further (I feel like I accomplished this by analyzing the influence of fashion on women in the social context, which was the first few paragraphs of the paper). However, this wasn't exactly the assignment, and while I felt somewhat clever, I was punished for it. It's oddly humbling.
Throughout my career in college (and latter years of high school), I've been able to write one draft of an essay, and turn it in for an A or, at worst, a B. This is no more. I now spend hours on a single work, and have multiple drafts--for essentially the same grade--at a community college. Some would say this is great progress (after all, we can all improve our writing through dedication), and some would say, it's just a grade, what the fuck?
But nevermore. A grade isn't just a grade, and an essay just isn't an essay. It all has some notable significance on me as a writer. It says something about me as an individual and as a student. Part of this pressure comes from the very first comments the English instructor wrote on my first essay in English 156. I had the feeling, fortunately or unfortunately, that he held me to some higher standard, and my duty as a writer was to not only meet that standard, but to consistently exceed it.
I don't feel this way about my papers in English 201B, although this is the more advanced class. I just write what I write, and along with the professor's approval, I say, "good enough." We're not trying to write something publishable for The New Yorker.
Pressure is both good and bad (of course!), but largely its merit depends on how much is applied. I feel this burden as I wrestle with my essay on the film "American Sniper" (for English 201A, and for the same instructor I had in English 156). I believe that almost every major news source (and many minor blogs) wrote about "American Sniper" with a wide range of responses. It's all covered ground, but I was asked to write something "original." Some of the reviews were brilliant (I've quoted them here), but most just repeated tried avenues, either seeing Kyle as a hero or as a psychopathic killer (honestly, I lean more towards him having Antisocial Personality Disorder, in other words, a psychopathic killer).
What would be "original"? Well, so far, I haven't written anything on it that would qualify (my introduction is a re-reading of several different reviews, all very popular).
Not only do I have to write something maverick, but I have to write above and beyond your average college freshman. Which is fine, because I'm a junior at a major state university. However, all of this, is to win some English instructor's approval (who is very intelligent and an excellent writer/poet himself).
What do I have to prove to other people or to myself? It's college, for Christ's sake. No one ever said I resembled Virginia Woolf.
That being said, I still look at an analysis on "American Sniper" as some major feat, made for the New York Times.
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