Of course, my case manager, as much as I've grown to like her over the past eleven months, had no idea what to say when I confessed that I was hearing voices again. Her reaction surprised me because the program I'm in, ran by a nonprofit organization employed by county mental health, conducts probably almost exclusively with people with severe mental illness, not your garden-variety of high functioning depression or mild-to-moderate anxiety (which can be awful in its own right, even if you can still dress yourself for work, and sit at your desk like a zombie for eight hours). No, these are often people with psychotic disorders. Schizoaffective disorder is a bit of a hybrid, the best of a mood disorder (joking!) and the symptoms of schizophrenia, although typically not as severe as seen in those who have schizophrenia. So, my case manager should know how to handle a patient dealing with psychotic symptoms.
She launched into, "Do you know the UK and how they view auditory hallucinations?"
"Yes, they see it more as a spiritual crisis." I don't know that for sure, I just remember her telling me about it.
She then talks about shamans.
I interrupted her, "Not to be rude, but I don't want to talk about shamans." I find the whole idea ridiculous, perhaps because I was a Reformed Protestant, probably because we believed that all of the prophets of God have already lived and died (we, of course, exclude Muhammad in this group). There is no one else, at least not until the Second Coming. Therefore, if someone claims to hear directly from the dead or from God, he/she is being occupied by either a demon or the devil himself. I take the agnostic version of this, which means, if you think God is that booming voice outside of your head, it's probably just a neurological, sick joke. In a more friendly sense, we are all tested in our walk through life. No, you don't have a direct link to God or angels just because you're up for days on end, and seeing your dead sister sitting on your bed.
My case manager is a Christian--a lesbian Christian, which I find hard to digest, but I've only questioned her about it once. She has a good answer, that God loves all of His creation, and therefore loves her as she is. Good answer if you skip over other more hateful verses in the Bible, and just choose to see what you want to see. The issue with Reformed Protestants is the fact that God is not the nice God of your more mainstream churches--He is wrathful and will put your ass in hell just because you were born (and under the Original Sin). Babies who die before they are old enough to ask for the Holy Spirit to come into their soul? They go to hell. Accept it. It's a fact. Going to hell.
In return, God gets a shitty deal. We pledge our loyalties to Jesus and the Holy Spirit, and we have a get out of jail free card, the ability to sin in any manner we like, to our own destruction, and we are allowed into heaven because why? We asked for God to dwell in us, because we have faith. Problem solved. I'm an asshole, but I tell Jesus I'm an asshole, and I get to go to Heaven. One student asked our ex-pastor/English/history teacher in high school, then what was the motivation for doing good if we can just get away with whatever we like? He responded that the Holy Spirit makes us want to be good and decent people, even if we fail part of the time. That the Holy Spirit guides us.
There is some wisdom in believing in a God, even if there isn't actually one. Why? Because if you're wrong, you go to hell. And the idea of being tortured for all eternity doesn't really appeal to anyone.
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