For about a year now until just recently, I hadn't had any auditory hallucinations. Sometimes, at different periods, I would focus and try to get them to bubble up to the surface of my consciousness, but when I listened, I couldn't hear them. Or maybe they would say a phrase and then politely die off.
A couple days ago, they stretched themselves up, fingers tapping just beneath the membrane of my sea of consciousness. And then, they started rattling along, saying all the awful crap that even a sane person could imagine having damaging effects--whispers like, "you're a stupid bitch, and you're gonna die...just kill her, just slit her throat..." (the voices don't care much for my case manager)
I recognize the fact that the voices come from me, and perhaps are parts of me, even though they are often male, and often louder than my cognitions. I have a horrible fear that I am somehow doing this to myself, that I am willingly making myself sick by allowing or even encouraging these voices to prattle on and on. Surely, I could just shut them off if I wanted to.
Most people don't think as they are going about their day, "Hey, I could go crazy today, it just might happen." But I contemplate that often throughout most of my waking hours. Will today be the day that I go back to psychosis and leave reality behind? How long will I be gone? And what will have happened to me by the time I make it back?
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