I didn't respond directly to the LSU Professor's warning about my "connections with school," because I felt it was misplaced anxiety. He was either worried I would have sex with the English instructor (and therefore fall in love with him, and have him return quietly back to his wife) or that I would develop a growing attachment to him anyway, even sans sex, and I would pine for him for years, in the similar manner in which I do for Morpheus. Notice how in his email, he never expressed concern over the fact that if the English instructor did sleep with a student or ex-student, he was risking his reputation as a professor, and also risking his marriage--and, most importantly, his relationship with his children.
I mean, yes, I did learn a lesson. While I can't credit myself for Morpheus' divorce, I can say that I probably didn't help the situation he had with his wife. There are scenarios in which a man or a woman can cheat on his/her spouse, once, maybe twice or three times, and no one ever finds out and no one fells in love and there are no emotional entanglements, and therefore the cheating has a minimal effect--I would argue it had no effect at all. I guess that sometimes a secret is just better kept, as a disclosure would hurt someone who never needs to know. Having an affair doesn't necessarily reflect how someone feels about his/her primary relationship, i.e. his/her spouse. But often it does, and that's where the responsibility of who is at fault becomes murky. Am I to blame for a marriage already in discord and disarray? Surely, I do share some of the guilt, even if the marriage is or was on the brink of separation. In my ignorant bliss, I always thought that Morpheus' marriage was Morpheus' problem, and that I was not a reflection in any way with how he handles his primary relationship. In other words, they were already doomed, so you might as well fuck someone else in the mean time. Unfortunately for me, Morpheus and his wife didn't declare divorce until much later on down the road, and by then it was too late for me.
What I learned the hard way is that if you cheat on your spouse or your boyfriend/girlfriend, no matter the circumstances (boredom, true love, you name it), this doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't even make you an insensitive or untrustworthy person. In some ways, cheating means you're a victim of human passion or feelings of being unfulfilled. Obviously, the cheated will feel morally justified on being angry, upset, and even vengeful. And no one likes to be cheated on.
According to the LSU Professor, his misgivings are warranted. He believes that I'm beautiful (he's told me this before and often), and that just about any man would fuck me if I gave the slightest indication of mutual interest. I disagree with this viewpoint, mostly because whenever I look at myself in the mirror, I either think I'm ugly or that I'm attractive (depending on the day, and my hair and my weight and just my general mood at the time)--I rarely think any evaluation in the middle (like saying I'm average). When I was growing up, I viewed myself to be unattractive and overtly masculine. Recently, I have dealt with the hand that most men ignore me for a reason (although while I was stranded beside my SUV in the middle of the night downtown Yuppieville, several men flirted with me while I stood on the rainy sidewalk).
To be honest, I don't have a high opinion of men and their attitudes toward sex. I believe that almost all men would fuck someone on the side, to varying degrees of intimacy and length, no matter what their connection is like with their partner--for several reasons. Sometimes, it's just a matter of pride--a man can't turn down sex without feeling diminished in some way because being a player is cool and respected in our society. I don't buy into the evolutionary arguments that men just want to spread their seed--that's bullshit. When you talk more neural connections in the genitals, women have far more, and therefore, I believe with art and practice, women can obtain more intense orgasms than a man, and have a greater motivation to fuck around--but we don't as often, or at least, in our culture, we like to think we don't (I've never read hard data on who fucks around more on their spouses, men or women, although I'm sure it's out there somewhere).
Which leads me back to the English instructor specifically (although he has a generic name in this blog, he is to me very special). He will hardly look at me, and most of the time, doesn't look at me at all. Everything about him says, stand back--don't press on my boundaries. I find that to be highly intriguing--and irritating, if I'm being forthright. On some level, I expect all men to be under the influence of my charm--and the English instructor resists quite well. I do not think that the English instructor would have sex with me, even if I bluntly offered to meet him at a hotel for a one time experience. I believe he is a rarity that way (again, I don't say this as something to do with my attractiveness level, which is debatable, but more to do with his personality and value system).
So, the LSU Professor has nothing to fear. Except--
if he did call me up one day (not referring to the LSU Professor), and asked to meet me in a hotel, well, I'd probably go, knowing what a disaster would ensue.
Because I am too a victim to my passions and feelings of displacement in the world.
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