Finals night of Engl 201A during winter semester, and I realize, "I'm in big fucking trouble," because I am growing more and more upset as the time draws closer to when I have to leave the English instructor, and I might never see him again. Was that a typical response after spending a few months talking to one of my professors? No, but then I never had to say goodbye to the Advisor or the LSU Professor, they were just always there, waiting for me to join them. It was unsaid that I was welcome to see them anytime I felt the need. They were the cornerstones of my sanity and of my college experience.
And there were others like them, people willing to educate me and be a support. I have forgotten these people due to the ECT, but I can still recall going over to my business law professor's house on the weekends and studying the material with him--with his daughter occasionally entering the room and then casually leaving us to our books and papers. There was nothing unusual or unethical about it--just a professor spending extra time to help a student.
During office hour last week, my Engl 201C professor (from this semester) commented on one of the advantages of staying local and going to the University to finish my degree in English (as opposed to going to UC-Berkeley) is that I can develop a deeper relationship with my professors because the program is smaller. He says, "It's not unusual for a student to go to the professor's house and have dinner."
Okay, I've never done that, but I've been in similar situations. At the University, no one thinks anything of it if a professor develops a personal relationship with his/her students. As the LSU Professor repeatedly cautioned me, it was inappropriate and ultimately career-altering if you have an affair with one of your current professors. After the class was over, no one gave a shit. He would know since the love of his life was a student of his, who he barely noticed while she was in his class, but only developed an attraction to her after she started doing work for the University and they were around each other some, a little while later. And he ultimately left his wife for her.
But that wasn't the story that inspired me to write the English instructor and tell him about my feelings and thoughts. The inspiration came from another story that the LSU Professor told me about another student, who he was attracted to. They developed a friendship, and he later told her how he felt. The student didn't seem fazed by it, and at one point left the area, just to come back for visits, and asked to stay at his house (and, apparently, his wife was also gone during this time). The LSU Professor told her he would buy her a hotel room because he didn't think it was a good idea that they stayed together in his house. Now, they write to each other through Facebook--the moral is that the situation wasn't a catastrophe. Two people recognized the attraction and then moved on.
Simple, right?
One of the more striking characteristics of a devoted professor is that it becomes personal--the professor identifies you as person, and goes beyond what's expected by administering additional help that is not expected. Or at least through my feeble mind, that's how I summarize it.
So, I figured (probably incorrectly) that if I confessed my feelings for the English instructor, either he would never speak to me again (for the obvious reasons) or he would just take it as a data point, and continue talking to me like I never said it at all.
People get frightened when something feels out of control, particularly emotions. And human emotions are threatening because they can be so unpredictable and chaotic.
Sometimes, I think that I just say shit for the shock factor, like how my COMM professor does, except my email "One Last Thought" to the English instructor could have been a lot more graphic ("If only I could sit on your face!" Etc).
"[Jae], have you no shame?"
"Nope, and if I really wanted into your pants by now, I would have mentioned something a long time ago, like i.e., pick a hotel room and we'll fuck."
But, alas, I do have some common decency (at least I like to think I do, but everyone can make their own judgements).
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