The Oncoming Train, Part III

Whoa, honey! That one's mine. Get your own.

Whenever the women in Engl 201A would gather around the English instructor and compete for his attention, even if it was something as simple as a sign off on a draft or other noncritical questions, I would get a little jealous.

For some reason, of which I don't have a good explanation, I was more comfortable in class when his attention was on me. Like I was officially included, and also in control. To a lesser extent, this is also true in Engl 201B with my other professor. If I was speaking in either class, I felt a restless sense of anxiety in my chest and limbs slowly dissipate. I needed almost constant reassurance that I was worthy enough to add something special to the group.

My Engl 201B professor did not hide the fact that he liked me. He would call on me every time that my hand was raised, and he let me lead the other students. Once, he paused in his lecture, looked at me and smiled and said, "[Jae], you're doing a great job. Let the other students answer some questions." We were in on it together, like a team. Some of the other students felt this, and would come to me for help, one girl asked me for the correct answer on a quiz (after the quiz was graded, of course!).

Nothing is more annoying than having someone who is completely oblivious to the fact that he/she is dominating the conversation, and not letting others speak their minds--as if the only important point of view is that of the classroom tyrant. I once explained to the English instructor, in response to his A+ paper on inclusive classrooms, that I grew into that role, not because it was natural to me. In fact, I was a shy child with what was assumed to be an intellectual disability, but I learned by six grade that I could scare the other kids from bullying me by challenging and standing up to the teacher. So, that's how I cope. Now, it's such a part of my ingrained response to the classroom setting that it would take much effort and discomfort on my psyche to change it.

The English instructor did allow me to say whatever I wanted, only stopping me on a couple of occasions in which, as he referred to it, it was the right place to move on to other subjects due to time constraints.

What's so important about being heard in a classroom? I'm not entirely sure since most people have difficulties in changing their views on any heated subject. I didn't exactly stride into the class with the intention of influencing minds. And the more I talked, the more I felt estranged from the other students.