Avoiding Monogamy

He describes these young women (in their early twenties) as being "scary" and "on the loose." Since I was once wild and free with my sexuality, I told him that I was at one point in my life "on the loose." But I feel there's a bit of the double standard going on here.

"Does it bother you that I've had casual sex?" I ask him.

"No," he answers. "Does it bother you that I've had casual sex?"

"No."

Most of my friends know that I don't feel that monogamy is the right answer for a lot of people, and I include myself in this group. I told Morpheus such in our phone conversation as I was driving home from Palo Alto. I told him that I didn't want to control my partner's sexuality, and I came up with a scenario in which casual sex with other people could work inside a healthy marriage--granted, this is not a popular view. Most people don't want an open marriage. Most people are frightened simultaneously of their partner cheating and of the fact that their partner may desire someone else physically, although I try to tell myself that sex and love are separate ideals, and you can have one without the other. As long as my spouse loves and gives me the attention I need, why do I care if he fantasizes about his hot secretary, and then ultimately fucks her?

I offer a similar scenario to Morpheus, only this time with the woman in the marriage going outside the relationship for sex. Morpheus comment was "Tempting, but no." I wanted to argue that it couldn't just happen for the man. For equality in the marriage, both partners would have to be free to fuck other people. Why should a man get that privilege and not a woman? Hence, the double standard.

We also disagree with what keeps marriage sex good after years together. I told him this was one of my major fears when thinking about getting hitched. I explain to Morpheus that in order to keep sex from being boring (and therefore causing one spouse to step out of the marriage and find sex elsewhere) is experimentation and keeping things fresh. His perspective was that marriage sex is good sex as long as there's an emotional connection between the partners.

I believe you can love someone madly, and yet not be physically attracted to him/her at all, or just not recently. I love my first boyfriend, Dirk, greatly because he was at many times in my life, my best friend. However, the sex started out multiple times per week, and then quickly dropped to barely once a month. After a while, almost a year together, we stopped having sex completely. Did that make me unhappy? Well, I can't say because I don't remember, but I did find another man within a couple of weeks after breaking up with Dirk who would fuck me regularly.

"I think you're the most sexual woman I've ever met," Morpheus tells me.

Ultimately, I have mixed feelings about monogamy. In one way, it sounds comforting, you know that one person on this planet desires only you, and will forsake all others. I just find it to be suspicious. If your partner is going to fall in love with someone else, making a rule that he/she can't have sex with other people is not going to stop that. Sure, there are steps you can take to protect your marriage or your relationship (giving each other attention and having open communication), but can you really drop that risk down to zero?

Morpheus brought up the subject of why should he have casual sex?

I had a quick answer for him, "Sometimes it can be fun, you can experiment with your sexuality, and sometimes you fall in love." Sometimes your heart gets into the mess. Sometimes you just can't avoid it.